soo..

FAWK.....





WHAT IS SOOO FUCKING WRONG.....

DAMN!!!!!!!



CAN't GET OVER IT!!!!

the wirdest dream ever

my dream started me out at my cotillion night. same senerio.... double tree... kicked out home.... chillin with the hommies there and then... it was the end of a beautiful relationship. with all those i love. MY OHAN.

next think i know the scene changes.

4-5 months later i'm walking down to a hall way which comes to be my church. walking with me is my family and we go in... Mass starts... mass ends. I go and do my daily routine of going to to SELAH and say my hellos say whats up to ALex and Greg. and to my suprise who do i run into. Justine Rachel and Jeff. I was like OMG!!! HEY GUYS!!! hows it going what are ya'll up to? Justine and Rachel tell me that they have to leave.... that was all and then they leave. next thing I know i'm standing outside chatting away with Jeff crackin some jokes... wondering hows hes doing. as that is happening we walk towards the back parking lot where I and my family parked. I asked him what he was doing here and he told me "I remeber you saying long time ago that alex sang at this time and i wanted to come and see... " me:"but that was like last year???" him:"i know...I just wanted to come and see what it was about because last time i rember u invited me to go to mass with you but i didn't come. " me:"oh okay? sooo how are things with you? hows school? and hows.......?" "schools okay you know same ol same ol..." me: "figures...." him:"whats that suppose to mean?" me:"nothing, but...... OH NM" and he totally avoided the other question. we walked into the parking lot which led us to saying goodbye. I said good bye told him it was nice seeing him and I huged Him. as he was hugging me ever so tight he wispers in my ear "I...YOU!" i pull away and say HUH? look at him in the eyes and then... thats when we kissed... my heart was beating soo fast. i reply "I miss you." he lets go looks at me and hugs me. me:"what are you doing later?" him:" I don't know... not really much of anything?" me: "no plans at all? hugh... weird... I guess thats cool. Maybe I should stop by your house so we could talk." "do you need me to pick you up?" "oh no, I forgot to tell you I drive now. i got my licens 3 months ago. I was planing to call you up and tell you when i got it. but i figured that you might have been busy. oh yeah by the way hows work ?" "it good... Yeah you should stop by so" "Oh shoot" " what? " "my dad... hes pulling out. maybe i should go now." jeff ducks be hind a car holding my hand looks at me and say "I don't want you to leave yet. i miss you. call me later stop by?..." "yeah I will... i just gotta go and eat with the family and I'll be there after that YEAH?" he looks at me as he sits on the floor be hind the car and me squating infront of him. I lean in for a hug and he kisses me on the cheek. We say good bye...
and thats when I wake up.....

CRAZY!!!!!!! it got me all teary eyed. IT MAKES ME MISS HIM... but I'm just trying to get over it all....


eh...


whatever.

it more like......

I miss a whole lot of what happened in the past... but i can't turn back time and go through it again. But if i was ever able too... i would change a whole lot of things.

what has come to be...

there aren't anymore of those phone calls. nothing about,chilling our just hanging out. there aren't anymore of those reandom hellos just to see how someone is doing. there isn't so much of those deep conversations that use to happen, there isn't any more of those just kicking it at someones house just for the hell of it.. and staying at that house till early in the morning just because, and there isn't anymore of those really good hugs and kisses of hello and good byes.... and theses are some of the things that i miss the most


the way i see it now
is that there isn't any more of all that stuff... I feel as tho there isn't anything with the ohan anymore. that feeling of being pushed out of the circle. more people come in and i'm being taking out. I love my ohan there is no dbout about that, i know i will always have you guys you all, will forever be my brothers and sisters... except jeff (none of that sibling ish )"say siblings"... haha. BUT jeff you will always be my first love the "boyfriend", i will never forget you. Like i've said before you have made and everlasting impression on my mind, body, soul and heart and i will never for get that. YOU GUYS... are the greatest people i have ever met We kept it together for 4 years and still kinda going.

the truth is...
i feel like i'm not apart of that circle anymore.

these past months have been life changing
and well i've been making some great decisions. and there maybe well something that i might have to do.... is well leave. and probably not keep contact... i donno if i will actully be doing that. but, i guess there will be a whole lot less of me to be seen. I guess give me a year or something. i donno.... it still an undecided dession that i have to make.

Just know that
no matter what the decision is i make i will always love you guys
MY OHANA... my brothers and sisters and EXbOyFRIEND.


We've been through alot and i donno...


where do i really stand i all this...

my drama is my drama... not any of yours. just some things that i'm going through. don't worrie about me i'll be okay. OH THE POSSIBILITIES



a post that isn't really finished... just some thoughts that i wanted to pass along

i take back everything

I take back everything that i ha ve recently just said to you...

i take back all the nice things i ever said to you.

all i'm really able to say is sorry for being a bitch. but thats it.

after its all over i'm done. I'm guessing its over over because i can't bare to see you or be near you. It hurts to damn much.

i hope that you have a happy life with out me in it. I think me... for you I'm just a problem, or a person you know that you dont give a fuck a bout because when i do talk to you. you dont seem to interusted. you dont seem like you care when you said " i still care for you"

fuck... HYPOCRITE!!!!

tell me to get my proirities straight.... you tell me what ur stressing about and then you dont handle it. no offence.... but you'd rather go to _-_ _ _ _ _ _ instead of being there for me. Nio dbout i thank you for going... un like some... but... it still hurts the fact theres that.
ESP that its the week of.
My thought is...
IS IT REALLY MANDITORY??? i mean you have hella more practices till battlefest.... my cotillion is this weekend. I let it slide the last couple of times because well... my cotillion wasnt last week or the week before. what i'm saying that i'm tired of letting things slide i'm tired of being too... FUCKING NICE for my own good. I did to much to accomidate to everyones sechedual.... (i know i'm being selfish)... ITS MY TURN... ITS TIME FOR ME... don't complain to me. I asked you to do me this favor... i asked you... it didnt mean that you didnt have to say yes.(reffering to everyone) DON'T complain... and dont tell me.... anything because you agreeded.. and if you couldnt do it... well thats all you had to say. I AM AN UNDERSTANDING PERSON... I LET A WHOLE LOT OF THINGS SLIDE... but its this weekend... this weekend is what im impling... IF YOUR JUST DONT THIS TO PISS ME OFF THEN WELL YOU'VE DONE IT. IF YOUR MAD AT ME.. then thats fine.... LETS JUST GET THIS THING OVER WITH AND WE'LL BE DONE WITH IT. WE DON'T HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE.... (still reffering to everyone)



with out adbout... you all are GREAT... hands down i wouldn't change any of you guys... I wouldn't do a lot of things..... but this time... i donno... we'll see...



ERRRRGGHHHH...

enough with all the bull crap

unable to lift what has been damaged...

i picked up all the pices... but still haven't tried to put them back together. I mean slowly but surely i think it will come together. but I'm not so sure about that. Its hard as it is...


so... humm...

my feelings right now: i feel very stressed out. I've thrown down the safe gaurd and i'm putting on my boxing gloves. ITs time for the bitch in me to come out... and well... it has yet to begin. WATCH YOURSELF. This is going to be a a big on..... and i might have to put myself on blast. megaphone. NO NEED.

anyways... I might be on the verge of a total break down with being so overwhelmed with everything. I wish there was that shoulder that i could cry on. That someone who i can tell everything to and not have to worrie about whats going to happen. I wish i had that again. I feel so helpless.

It doesnt help at the fact that I think he hates me.



DAMN FUCK... SHIT!!!! ERRRRRR....... YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY! I HATE YOU... I HATE THIS.. I HATE...

WHY AM I STILL HERE.... WHY?
WHY DO I STILL CARE?
am i still heart broken?
am I jealious?

is it that....

FUCK YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND OH YEAH YOU!!!!

I HATE YOU!

about 3 or soo weeks left then this madness will be fuckin over and you'll never have to see me ever again.

I just want to break down and cry with you holding me in your arms...

DAMN... those times... damn those memories... DAMN IT!

"6,8,12"Ooh, oohDo you ever think about me?Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?In the middle of the night when you're awake,Are you calling out for me?Do you ever reminisce?I can't believe I'm acting like thisI know it's crazyHow I still can feel your kiss[1] - It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours Since you went away I miss you so much and I don't know what to sayI should be over youI should know better but it's just not the case It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours Since you went away Do you ever ask about me?Do your friends still tell you what to do?Every time the phone rings,Do you wish it was me calling you?Do you still feel the same?Or has time put out the flame?I miss you Is everything okay?[Repeat 1]It's hard enough just passing the timeWhen I can't seem to get you off my mindAnd where is the good in goodbye?Tell me why, tell me why[Repeat 1]Sing it for meOoh, ooh

All i wanted was to work things out but you never gave it a chance.

BLAH...

I MISS YOU!!!!..... and still love you

ITS FUCKING BULLSHIT

You know what.... I'm just not going to fucking care anymore.

Say thank you to fucking everyone else except for me....

Its my bad for being SOOOO FUCKING UNDERSTANDING RIGHT!

Well you know what FUCK YOU!!!

its breaks my heart... no thank you for fucking anything that i do or did for you.

If you were still a true friend, you would have my back, you would ask me whats wrong, you could say thank you, you would/ could/ should have said and done a whole lot of things

but you didn't

SO ARE U STILL MY FRIEND. OR YOU JUST THERE?
















why do i still care for you when you dont give a FUCK ABOUT ME?

at random.

living it up.... trying to get past all the difference...and be happy with what i have... what i have lost and what i gained...

in reality i didn't lose anything I GAINED SOMETHING that can be sooo MUCH BETTER!

still in love with BOB... Can't change anything about that.. Like said before he will always be in my HEART =p... looking to the feature for more things

6 degrees of seperation

so like the past weekends i've been going out because you know i want to... and feel like it... and well..
i've been meeting tons of people... and well these people ask me about people if i know such and such and well I do...

talgang crazy...

so like speaking about meeting new people...

I met 3 people whom i found interust in...

oh yeah. thats all.

--------
seperated now... poss for later... peace easy BITCHES

family against the only girl and the youngest

HEY EJ...
FCUK YOU BITCH.... SOME BROTHER YOU ARE I didnt EVEN DO SHIT TO YOU I donnO WHY THE FCUK YOU ARE HELLA MAD AT ME.... SEEMS As THO THIS WHOLE FAMILY IS OUT TO GET ME.. OR ALWAYS PUTS THE BLAME ON ME AND SHIT... DANG WHAT THE FCUK IS THAT!!!???!!!

ITS STUPID BULLSHIT... thats what it is ALWAYS COMING UP WITH A LAME ASS EXCUSE AND SHIT.


HELLA GETS ME HEATED and ITS LIKE WHAT THE FCUK!

DAMN... I'm SOO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW YOU DON'T KNOW



peoples these days






it so fcuking hard to get a hold of people now and days!!! its pisses the shit out of me and i just want to like kick some peoples ass just because they pissed me off!!! I donno I hate this FEELING...GRRR...




its like EVERYONE IS SAYINS FCUK ABEGAIL SHE ISNT WORTH A DAMN THING!!!

others before at LEAST YOU HAD DEDICATED PEOPLE...


SAME PEOPLE NOW ARE JUST TIRED!!!


FCUK DONT GIVE SHIT ABOUT ME KAY... DO ME THAT FAVOR AND SAY TO ME FCUK YOU I DONT CARE... DROP OUT OF MY COTILLION.... DO IT.... FCUK...


ALL THiS Shit AND FOR NOTHING!!! FCUK!!!!!

its the fact

there are still so may problems with us...

its the fact that you dont say anything back to me...
its the fact that... we cant even talk anymore...
its the fact that things went wrong...
its the fact that things are still iffy
its the fact that you made me the happiest person in the world
its the fact that you would always make me smile
its the fact that you did me that way
its the fact that Your hurt me
its the fact that you cared
its the fact that you dont care
its the fact that you were a major part of my life


its the fact that...
I STILL LOVE YOU

i dont like being here

I'm hella stuck on you....


GRRRR

WHY!!!!!

I'm getting all frustrated with myself because i still love you...

Do something.... Piss me off, i donno do something that'll make me hate you. THAT I dont want to talk to you anymore... then maybe I'll get over you.

I DONNO....

FCUK!!!!!

I DONT LIKE THIS.... I'm GOING CRAZY... and I think i'm MAKING YOU GO CRAZY.... MAN...

DUDE.... I'M HELLA STUCK ON YOU...

stuck on you I got this feel down deep in my soul that i just can't lose

boy i'm on my way...

I needed a friend and the way that I feel right now I guess i'll be with you till the end

boy i'm on my way...

Mighty GLAD YOU STAYED

Drop baby drop baby drop
Got to drop all your love on me
Drop baby drop baby drop
Drop cuz I’m hungry
My heart does the tango
With every little move you make
I love you like a mango
Wish we could make it every day
I want you to
Drop baby drop baby drop
Got to drop all your love on me
Drop baby drop baby drop
Drop cuz I’m hungry
Drop baby drop baby drop
Got to drop all your love on me
Drop baby drop baby drop
Drop cuz I’m hungry
My night would be so lonely…
Lonely If ever you should choose to go
I live just like a zombie
Zombie with very little love to show
I want you to
Drop baby drop baby drop
Got to drop all your love on me
Drop baby drop baby drop
Drop cuz I’m hungry
Drop baby drop baby drop
Got to drop all your love on me
Drop baby drop baby drop
Drop cuz I’m hungry
Who love you pretty baby
Whos going to help you thought the night
Who loves you pretty mama
Whos always there to make it right
Who love you
Who loves pretty baby
Whos gonna love you mama… baby drop
My heart does the tango
With e very little move you make
I love you like a mango
Wish we could make it every day
I want you to
Drop baby drop baby drop
Got to drop all your love on me
Drop baby drop baby drop
Drop cuz I’m hungry
Drop baby drop baby drop
Got to drop all your love on me
Drop baby drop baby drop
Drop cuz I’m hungry

GAHH....

crazy

So last night was... FREAKIN CRAZY!!!

nuff said...



peace easy..


peace difficult....


peace then...

umm

so like I don'tk now what there is to say any more...
BUT WE DONT TALK...

the only thing that happens between us is my practice...

here i am trying to make the effort to talk to you and be a good hommie... but your still doing the same... pushing urself away from me. Well Just to let you know hommie... If this goes on. even after everything... I guess imma have to agree with well, the ovbious... " I still wanting you im my life, The friendship"... Well I'm guessins thats going to be NOMORE. so well.. thats it.

only stating the ovbious...

Looking BACK

So... i basically stayed home the whole day... didnt really do much but dom some laundry and well like the thing is... the only thing that I could do was basically go on the internet and well... check out the sites and see wahts was going on... and well I was totally remanicing about things in the past because I go through reading everyones xanga... leaving my daily comments and what not. I decided to take it back. So well thats what I did. I sat down look at my old xanga entrys and well... there were things that i found OH SO FREAKIN TENDER... and i was just thinking about how much i missed those moments, How fun they were... and where were at right now is totally different. I'm not just speaking of just JEFF... but all of my friends. My how the tides have turned and things are very very different. Thinking about all those good Times and how things were. I admit that there were times that I was being hella selfish and wanted everything to be around me and about me. I admit to being stubborn and all this other junk. Hey at least I admited to it. I sure went through alot... and look where it got me. Going back.. well brought some emotions, feelings, and what not back.... I guess this is just somemore stuff that i needed to say because I call it a quits.... before Its over... over officially. Well for me... here are some things that brought it back....


I found it soo ironic how you took this quote from a book and posted it...
"HESITATION ONLY MAGNIFIES FEAR AND MAKES IT WORSE!!"
Knowing you... well towards me... You were always hesitant.... and well... the quote only speaks for its self.... it magnifies your fears and It only made the situation between us... WORSE!

JackHoLe 1580: BE DECISIVE & TAKE ACTION PROMPTLY. ACTION CURES FEAR! HESITATION ONLY ENLARGES FEAR!


its really funny how things work out... Pretty much thinking about it all.. and HOW YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME. and how you cared for me... how we would talk about the weirdest things online.

eyeDENTITyabba: so i gues good morningJackHoLe 1580: okay then.eyeDENTITyabba: sleep sweeteyeDENTITyabba: good dreams JackHoLe 1580:you too ;-)
Auto response from JackHoLe 1580: SLEEPING....Zzzz..ZZzz...zZZz..zz
dreaming about my bebs.hey JEFF, guess what this means--I.C.F.Y.A.L. <-- there is an actual meaning to it. HAHAHA:-D
I want you so much,right now.:-*
JackHoLe 1580: I want you so much,right now.:-*<--- ??eyeDENTITyabba: hahahahaeyeDENTITyabba: .......:-XJackHoLe 1580: I.C.F.Y.A.L so what's this mean?eyeDENTITyabba: u have to guessJackHoLe 1580: awwwwwJackHoLe 1580: thats too many letterseyeDENTITyabba: IeyeDENTITyabba: careeyeDENTITyabba: now finish iteyeDENTITyabba: thats the first two.eyeDENTITyabba: F . Y. A . LJackHoLe 1580: For You A Lot ???eyeDENTITyabba: hahaeyeDENTITyabba: there u goJackHoLe 1580: YESS!!! right onJackHoLe 1580: :-DeyeDENTITyabba: hahahahaeyeDENTITyabba: seeeeyeDENTITyabba: now that wasnt so hard was iteyeDENTITyabba: hahahaJackHoLe 1580: okay...now i can sleep peacefullyJackHoLe 1580: hahaeyeDENTITyabba: EASY 4 u to sayeyeDENTITyabba: hahahaeyeDENTITyabba: well goodmorningeyeDENTITyabba: GO NOWJackHoLe 1580: okay
Auto response from JackHoLe 1580: SLEEPING....Zzzz..ZZzz...zZZz..zz
dreaming about my bebs.hey JEFF, guess what this means--I.C.F.Y.A.L. <-- there is an actual meaning to it. HAHAHA:-D
I want you so much,right now.:-*
JackHoLe 1580: byeJackHoLe 1580: take careJackHoLe 1580: get some sleep!

humm.... there was a point when i felt love from you.... then again there was apoint when you crushed my hopes... and brought me down... pissed me off because you never said anything... It always brought me to the point where you would make me cry... in the end you would make me laugh.... and i wouldnt be mad at you anymore...

Well yeah whatever... that was all in the past... I will never forget all ths goodtimes that we had together... the laughs that we had... the tears that were falling... the moments when it was THE BEST MOMENT!

From that first moment that you had walked into my life...
"YOU MADE AN EVERLASTING IMPRESSION ON MY MIND,BODY,SOULD AND HEART"...
from the first kiss, the first time we got caught going out, the first hater mark, TO BEING MY FIRST LOVE... JEFFREY SAM ORDILLIO. I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU... and You didn't love me back. BUT I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU! YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE ME MENTALLY... you will ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART... I THANK YOU FOR ALL THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD... AND EVEN THE BAD. They were all learning experiences. Still learning... and trying to get over it all. I just wanted to say.. that I love you. Hope that all is well...

I wonder what you did with that picture... Reflection of some of those happy moments.... yet again.. faded memories to you.


PEACE EASY...

supposibly your still there...

good days

So... like the days have been short... and the weeks has been long. But over all... it has been a great week. School Is awesome. I get to see all my CLOSE FRIENDS... and you know hang out talk all this junk... I remeber sitting outside and instead of studying.... that was our main idea... we ended up Just talking. I found that hella funny... right jello...


GOT SCARED STRAIGHT!!! MOTHER SUCKER!!! I'm so GLAD THAT IM NOT! =)... pleased!!! MOTHER SUCKER... NEVER AGAIN! SERIOUSLY!

anyways... i'm sleepy... FOOD COMA.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RANDY!!!

mmmmm.... hungry!!!! hahaha



FOOOD.... canabalisim... isn't the greatest! HAHAHA KARE... MMMM....


so anyways that was awhile back when i hung out wiht karen.
________________


So I'm chillin like a villan right now. Hungry... kinda... Sleepy YES. HEAD HURTING!!! BLEH. So anyways... school is a drag... in a sense I mean because my sechedual is basically 2 class each day with a BIG ASS GAP IN BETWEEN.

Yet again another day that i was late.. TRAFFIC BEING A BITCH! So anyways... I had a bad migrain attack... it was all bad. I finally had a class with someone i know. Ha! my last class is with people that i know. and well... all my other classes i met new people that all seem to be pretty cool. As far as meeting new people and adding a class I dont think that will be happening this quarter. I mean... not that i dont want to but i figured that... the classes that im taking now is pretty KICK BACK.. it seems easy but then again. yeah its only the beginning! SO any ways my last class... jay was in it and like HAHAHA.. its like going through FYC AGAIN.. FUNNY! any ways imma go now

peace then!

its early but im tired and i feel sick. so BLEH!

SCHOOL

So... i missed a day of blogging... Well right now i guess the day didn't really matter to me I mean because i cant remeber what happened. I know i had practice and then from the rest of the other day i dont know what happened.

SCHOOL IS COOL!!!

Most of the day was spent chillin...

OH yeah DID I MENTION... I WAS SUPER LATE FOR MY CLASS!!! G DANG!!!!! 30 mins... MOTHER SUCKER... THERE WAS MAD TRAFFIC!!! LIKE SERIOUSLY.. and it was 750 in the morning....
the traffic i believe died down like around 9 or something... ALL BAD! SUPER LATE.. but I mad a good impression on my teacher for talking... hahah. SCORE! anyways... HUMM...

like i said most of the day it was chill i mean 2 classes.... 2 hr break inbetween.... ESP for today.. i got out 30 mean early soo it was like... i had 3 hrs... met up with justine and karen, jd came along. L quad... saw a couple of hommies from my summer school class. and some people from middle school. got lost with a friend... helped him look for his class.. hahaha... OH SO LOST.. hahah SALL G it was great talking to you. met up with more people talked to them... WEIRD... SO MANY PEOPLE THAT I KNOW... funny seeing some people i mean the fact that we didnt go to school together... and well Now we ARE!!!!
some of my friends asked me if I missed Indy... I said no... not really... I miss the friends... but hey we all moved on from the drama stuff. YEAH... HURRAY... COLLEGE!

I MISS MY FRIENDS... I miss the summer.. and I miss jennelle bj kat and jacklyn.... SO THIS IS COLLEGE LIFE... I'm BROKE LIKE A JOKE... ALREDY! MOTHER BI!...

she can stare all she wants but "WERE GOING TO THE BOOK STORE!"hahahaha

PARKING WHAT A BITCH!

currently waiting for my laundry to finish.... OH SO SLEEPY and i FEEL GROSE.. you know like THROWING Up!!! I think its something I ate!

what to say?

so like it was and interusting day, My cousin May came to my house chilled for a bit and we waited for christy and other hommies. because they said they were going to be late. Any whooz... practice was pretty good. We pretty much finished up the first part. there is like 4 people that still need to catch up....

Jessen buddy... i just worrie about you.

on the other hand... It was chill.. and richel may and I were trying to do coreo for the tahitian... couldnt decided on the song. We liked this one song but... we cant use it because richel and her aunt did coreo to it and shes in the halao. soo its not possible. ITs like stealing you can say.

So yeah... Humm...I'm excited and scared all at the same time. Excited because I have a whole bunch of things going for me. scared because its coming for me. There is a whole bunch of stuff that I to do, my whole perspective on life, time for reevaluating. I want to change how i am around a certain someone. Fix my bad habbits, not be stubborn, Then again everyone has their flaws... and well those are a couple. I just want to do alot fix alot espically my room... thats the first place i want to start. I still have to talk to my parents about it. Tare down a wall... paint it. and put up take down throw away things. So many EFFIN MEMORIES In my room and I want to start OVER.

THE END OF what was SOOO GREAT TO ME... meaningful, special, Filled with mistakes, confusion, stress, LOVE, HONESTY, LOYALTY, which was all ENDED IN HEART ACH!

THIS IS the begginning of it all A NEW START kind of... A NEW SOMETHING.... I DONT KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT. I'm Just waiting because well... i'm tired of hurting, tired of crying, just tired and wanting to start something new. Naw mean.

WELL YEAH... THERE IS STUFF TO SAY... BUT I CANT SAY IT...
whatelse is there to say...

I.... NM I'm not going to say anything becuase well ITs how i feel and you either know or dont know...

i saw this on something.
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) - of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

HONESTY IS MY MAIN FRAME... I LIE BUT I TELL THE TURTH If you ASK ME.. OR IF I WANT TO TELL YOU... IF NOT THAT I JUST WONT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

the things that are in italics are the things that I think speak true for me. YEAH... TELL ME WHAT CHU THINK?

jovver-Peace easy

jeff- Peace difficult

abegail- Peace then.

pretty stuffed.

Today was a pretty exciting day.. I guess I can say so, i mean school stuff... needed to get done. Karen came to pick me up we went over to justines. Met up with her and jay. Saw GRANT after the longest time... like seriously... I havent seen him in hella days! headed out to de anza. it was quite hot. walked to get jay parking permit at the main building place... saw my "cousin" mark esguerra and his girlfriend... talked to her about her brother.. thats pretty much it. Jay and i went to get our id card pictures taken. jay was trying to make me laugh... it didnt work.. well it did but i held it in.

your super funny. and your picture is AWESOME!!!! good laughs.

went back to sj and met up with dio right quick ... they needed to figure out the plan for driving.. and then we headed to jds house. well jd karen and i. Met u up with william and chato. watched william play video games and then headed off to Gmall. good ish mang...

food.. oh so FULL.... $5.00 well spent!!! yep yep yep! hahaha well satisfied. and good laughs.
YUMM...

- current mood: crushed, scared,excited, in pain (head hurts), a tad frustrated.


YOUR A HOPE CRUSHER.... we'll SEE...

PEACE EASY... PEACE THEN.

practice is tomorrow at 6 and humm... jessen no be there.. YOU SUCK. I think tomorrow is the day that everyone is going to be there.. hehe i'll lay down the guilt trip. HAHA...


JEFF HOPE CRUSHER!!! KILLED IT YOU MOTHER SUCER.


3days

blogging... because theres something else important

yeah so like talk about blogging about jeff. I need to cut that doen to a minimuuummm... yeah... so i've decided... so yeah i miss jeff but theres nothing now that i can do to help our relationship. Its down in the drain if i do say so myself. Time for me to move on into something else.. something that is new.

whats going on in my life? well hummm theres not really anything to say. Nothing has really go on. I spent the day chillin at home, maranating in the heat. It wasn't as bad as it was last week... but it was still hot.

So yesterday was fun filled... a little frustration but then not so much. I basically stayd home finally left the house was suppose to go and watch movies with hommies. But ended up coming hella late and ish. so i went to mervens... saw some really nice cloths. No tengo dinero... but still nice. I was pretty happy.. i mean being by myself. I finally met up with everyone... i have reallygood timing if i do say so my self... 5 mins after i sat down karen called me and i asked her if she was out of the movie she said yes. And well we basically chilled i said my hellos... people were hungry... no fast food plans on going to red robin... saw marco. Yep that was good fun.. lots of laughs. watched the guys play the 2 video games that they had. stood in the parking lot for the longest time. said goodbye headed over to justine and rachels place where we played poker... GOOD ISH!!! i had fun... handled my issue... with a tissue.

i hate you jovver... i really hate you because i mean it... mean it. HAHAHA

Mother sucker... JEFF YOU SUCKER... YOU BROKE MY BRACELET. THANKS... GOES TO SHOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE, Didnt even bother to tell me that you broke it!! the heck!?!?

so i was asked the question by someone whom shall remain nameless.. and well being the way that it was asked i didnt like it... the fact that it was in this amount of time, that we spent together. I was unsure. VERY UNSURE... yeah... my answer to you was a NO... sorry there are things that need to be said but i dont know if i can say it now... maybe later.. I dont know. sometime... i'm sorry... for right now thats what i have to say.

GAHHH... I SERIOUSLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS DAMN STAGE...


THIS SUCKS ASS!!!!


counting down untill something new

COLLEGE finally....4 days

yep...

so its finally came down to this... the guy that i love... has feelings but is gone with someone new. SNIFFEL...

things been said, whats done is done

KAHIT HINDI IKAW.... it won't anyone untill you either come to your sences or untill someone better comes along.

untill then... it still you because i haven't found that someone.

so like yesterday was teh second day of cotillion practice and well. Not everyone showed up. I was kind of sad about that. BLEH. so anyways I was basically taching the cousins the basics for chacha. Yeah they pretty much got it. So anyways...

the morning time of the day was pretty much all drama... the rents were pretty much mad at each other because of what my brother did and well they didn't talk. I said just "F it" i didn't do ish, so I put on some head phones and did my own thang.

GAH. back to practice. It was pretty productive the people who i was worried about pretty much got it down. I'm hoping that the other 2 that i'm worried about get it. ITs gonna be GOOD..

SCUBS I LIKE WHAT WERE DOING. BUT DANG HUNNY thats a whole lot of TURNING. SO anyways... I donno i was pretty heated yesterday and I took it out on my partner. I'm sorry... sorry for all the hitting and what not. BUt yeah KAK... HAHAHA YOUR A MOTHER Fn' DORK. GAH... I HATE YOU BUT I DON'T.. OR DO I!

WHY DO U HAVE TO BE A JERK... GOSH.. I HATE IT WHEN YOUR LIKE THAT. It so dosen't help when your like that. The hits are of love. and of stress and frustration! OMG! Its CUZ I STILL HAVE MAJOR FEELINGS FOR YOU.. FAWK MANN!!! WHY DOSE IT HAVE TO BE YOU! WHY ME... GRRR.....

So... like today was the second day of cotillion practice. Still not everyone there. Then again it was a very very productive day. well it was better then i thought it would be. YUP. I was kind of scared. BUT IT WORKED OUT.I got a little irratated by the smallest thing... and i took it out on my partner. I donno
The day was full of BLEH... in the morning time there was DRAMA with the family my parents got mad at each other because of my brother and GAHH.. HELLA PISSED ME OFF but i didnt show it. I just ignored it. It was all his fault that they weren't talking. MOTHER SUCKER. anyways...
I got mad at one point at my partner because i wanted to practice but it seemed like he didnt want to be there at all.

FUCK I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IM SO FRUSTRATED... I WANT TO BE HIS FRIEND BUT THEN I DONT IM CONFUSED STILL even THO WE HAD THIS TALK. HE WANTS ME IN HIS LIFE STILL... BUT IM LIKE.. I DONT KNOW. AHHH... CONFUSION.

JUST DON'T

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO... TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE... I DO AS I PLEASE... AND IF U DONT LIKE ME IN UR FACE, THEN SAY IT TO MY FACE SO THAT I KNOW. OTHER WISE I'LL JUST KEEP DOING WHAT I'M DOING.


if your so worried don't talk to other people talk to me because i'm the one with the problem. AND well YOU BEING A GIRL or a WOMAN... whatever... YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW IT FEELS!

im not angry or mad just wanted to say what was on my MIND...




_____
right... KEEP MY HEAD UP... I'm SO SURE OF THAT. PSHHH...

BLEH

I never held back...
.... the honest truth... its over.

clouser... wow what a B.I.
I miss you... we're friends.

sorry still dosent acount for you breaking my heart. but i'll accept it even tho it still hurts. I will always be in love with you because even till this day i'm still in love with you and no matter what You will always be my first love.

Every word... every thought... Everything... I ment it...

YOU were the best thing that ever happenend to me.

No one can replace you.
It won't be anyone untill you either come to your sences or someone better comes along. even with that I'm STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

soo... super rocking day?

that is a maybe. I donno I guess I had an alright day... well i got dissed like 2 times and well that pissed me off. THANKS RICHEL for dropping me off and for taking that time going to aling nodys even tho she wasnt there! I'm HELLA SORRY!!! umm... I had my fair share of laughs and it was hella awesome! yup. GOOD SHIT MANG. thats all i got to say about that... well thats not all i lied but i'll talk about it later. So i guess thats all for now peace then

LATER HATERS...

something new

So well as its been i've been trying to get myself into something new and endearing, something worth it all. Well the thing that i have decided to do is start finding myself with the lord. changing my habbits around.

The constant great talks with kat helps me. Its awesome. THANKS MANG!

Finally picking up that book and started to read it was great.

So it may seem as though I want everything for myself... Well ovbiously thats not true. Because i'm not self center nor am i stuck up. There are cirtain things i want in life but i know i can't have. Well theres slot of things that i want but can't have. there are things that I can get by working hard and doing what i have to do to get it.

with that said. I can do alot of things if i set my mind to it. If I want something I'll go for it. Peas and chicken with gravy is good too... thats all imma say for now...

i gotta think more and also because my moms NAGGING at Me.

_________________

don't you hate it when people say one thing and they tell you what is up but do the TOTAL OPPOSITE? YEAH I DO... I HELLLA HATE THAT...ITS A FUCKIN BITCH.....

kung kahit minsan ka humanga kung ka hipuin akin kaluluwa oo ka gumawa mula ako met ka I'm hindi ang pagkapareho ka magsama buhay sa lahat ng bagay ako gumawa makatarungan ang daan ka sabihin helo kumuha isa hipuin ako can't pahintulutan lumakad hindi kailan man diwa I'd bumagsak di ibigin kumuha ka.kung minsan ako kumuha kaisa-isa at lahat ako gotta gumawa ay isipin ng ka ka dakpin something loob ng ako ka gawin lahat ng akin managinip lumapit true It's hindi sapat atipan ng pawid ka ibigin ako dahil sa ako ka sumapit loob at hipuin ako walang hanggan ako ibigin ka talunin ipaliwanag paano ako makaramdam dahil sa ka.sapagka't ng ka , akin buhay may palitan , pasalamatan ka dahil sa ang ibigin at tuwa ka magsama sapagka't ng ka , ako makaramdam hindi hiyain I'll sabihin ang daigdig it's sapagka't ng ka

when i said

When I thought that I was over him...

I lied...

When I thought that I was done hurting

I lied...

When I thought that I was all set with my life

I lied...

When I thought that I couldn't Move on

I lied...

I was never over him... I'm still in love

I was Never Done Hurting, Because it still hurts to see him

I was never all set in life, My priorties can never be straight because day by day THINGS CHANGE

I DID MOVE ON...





Your in my heart and thats where you will stay. I just don't i can ever forgive the way that you did me. The way you left. the way you broke my heart. I do give it to you... because I learned from it and it gave me more strenght.

I gave my all to you i showed you everything there is.. and well your happy now. well i'm happy for you. Just remeber that i will always be here. i'm happy that you came into my life. and im happy that you were a big part of it.

I'm not sure but it still a hard feeling to over come.




its me... I'm all about fuckin up... but pulling through till the end.

so much to think about.
i'm feeling extreamly tired.... of what.?? well everything. nothing new nothing exciting. nothing to really look forward to. except sometimes the weekends. depending if u know whats going on. other then that.. i dont know.. I'm just tired. I want to do something exciting...i don't know.i really dont know.

SADNESS.... SETTLES IN.
I DON't FEEL HAPPY.........i'm just tired

...I MISS MY BUDDY!!!....
i miss the talks....
....i miss hanging out....
.... I miss your smile....
....your humor....
.... I miss how you would make me laugh....
....I JUST MISS YOU IN GENERAL....



I thought i could hang...
for the most part I did hang. I was all good in the hood for the most part. But when it came down to it all... in the end i did cry.

I still need to settle some difference with you...
I DIRE need of a talk session with you...


IT HURTS.

what is it?

Okay. So like i'm hella not feeling all that great. I'm hella cramping up... yes aunt flow came. but that is besides the point.

mentally I feel so confused... I feel rushed and all this other stuff.

so its says on jays away message it "JUST BECAUSE YOU FALL FOR THE RIGHT PERSON DOSENT MEAN THEY WILL ALWAYS PICK YOU UP"

thats true... I never counted on him to make things right just to be there... all i wanted was him to hear me out.

Moving on for the rest of the world

When I thought that I beat the toughest thing that I could think of.... LOVE takes over and makes me feel so vulnerable and susceptible to anything and everything. I have nothing better to do when I'm home. Its just that when I am home I sit down and think. I really doesn't help the fact that my room is full of pictures and memories of everything and every person that has made and impact on my life.
I contemplate about my life and if this guy that IM dreading over is really worth it. Right now I'm so confused. I can sit there dwell on everything or move on. I'm moving on... But the thing is... Well... I fell hard for this MOTHER FAWKER... I FELL IN LOVE. " HAVE YOU EVER FELT LOVE?" Actully yes... The feeling was something that I wasn't ready for something that was totally unexpected but it was there. I find if funny how he said he didn't want things to change that he didn't want to lose my friendship with him. But it seems as though... hes the one that is pushing me away. I'm just a thing. A shadow... a dark figure in the background. Like I don't mean a DAMN THING TO YOU. I really think that its sad, you could have at least gave me one more chance...
I have some questions for you...

- what would have happened if the accident that happened... really did happen? that special present really did happen and i was?

- would you give me a second chance?

- Do I still have that special place in your heart?

I donno It was just a thought. Being that well, sometimes you can be a bitch around me and give me attitude. I hate it because its like well the side of you i never got from you. since out "break up" ITS BEEN LIKE THAT. We said no awkward feelings... SOMETHING IN THE AIR IS MAKING IT AWKWARD. Maybe you do still care... maybecause your pushin me away... maybe because i;m pushing you away... maybe because; there can be alot of reasons to it.

praying for the day that you coem back into my life....

I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE. I LOVE YOU. =(

i want so much

so the hecktic week...or wait no i take that back there is hella stuff going on... SNAPS... everything is ending and the beginning of a new start.I'm feeling kind of scared. But i guess i must over come my fears. For it is too much pressure to take in all at once...

almost hit

So i got to thinking today.
We almost got into a bad accident it would have sucked to because it would have been the same side that i was sitting on. Mother Sucker... it was really a hard concept to grasp, because at this point in my life i have things finally going for me. Things have been setteled, and other things well i'm still trying my best to let go. I believe im doign a great job too...

It just the fact that things are getting better and well getting in to an accident would have been the worst if it was bad.

so after i got home from taking my cousin and christy to get fitted...
i stayed home.
noone was home. i took a nap... while i was napping.. I had the worst dream. in refference to the 2 almost accidents of the day.

dream: I was coming home from church... and some lady pulled out with the quickness and my brother didnt pull away in time to not hit her (we had the right of way going down berressa). and right as she pulled out not seeing us.. BAM!!!Right in to the door spinnin out of controll... our car hits a parked car. I like there unable to move dazed... last thing I hear is my brother asking me if i was okay... calling my name. I'm pretty much knocked out watching everything from another point of view. I see the fire dep. come with the quickness.... calling for me to.. answer... figuring out how they were going to get me out because the door was...pushed in really bad. scence change: In the hospital. VALLEY MEDICAL, it so happens that my mom was working the double shif.. so she was alredy woking and her second shif was about to start, she get a call telling her to go to the ER, Emergency room... they do what they can... to fix me up... good enough take me to ICU. my brother was okay. broken arm.. scraps, sore, thats pretty much it. I see him standing there, crying... My mom was hystarical, major break down... and my aunts that work with here were trying to help her out. My brother was calling all of my ohan to tell them what happened. No one answered their phone. my dad was at the casino because his friend envited him and tryed his best to get to me asap... no where to be found. back to the brother calling people Karen and Jennelle, left messages... no answer back. One last try before his battery ran out he called jeff and he answered, told him what happened. found they were still in diego, told him to call everyone... for him...
scene in the ICU... on carefull watch... mom still there waiting prayin for me to wake up... on reperator... lungs full of blood... Just when it seems as tho i was about to wake up... BIG GASP OF AIR... I FLATLINED..

thats when I WOKE UP... cold sweat and crying... BLEH =(


fuckin scary...

I stayed home this whole day and well thought about everything...

I DONT LIKE MY DREAM... im hella tired but im scared of what im going to dream of... SCURRY ISH MAN!! =(

thinking

thinking of the things that have happened of the things that didnt happend... all that other shit... its like... DANG... who knew..

silly things that i must get over...







true and blue... i still love you!

happy birthday to my sister jennelle

Okay so like today is like a random day... well not really its actully

 

JENNELLE FAITH ORDILLOS BDAY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER

 

so i'm hella just chillin here at chirs's house waiting for everone to come over and stuff like that. so we can go swimming. But anyways...

speaking of a good day that i had yesterday.. in which it was.. I went over to justines and pretty much hung out with my sisters.... Jeff came along... it was kool. We chilled and had a bunch of laughs!!!! yup yup...  funny shit MANN I MISS MOMENTS LIKE THAT!!! SERIOuSLY!!!

 

I MISS ALOT OF THINGS BUT THERES NOTHING THAT I CAN REALLY DO ABOUT IT NOW. OR CAN I?

 

 

.... Its believeable... that its unbelieveable.. lol!!!

 

 

just for shits and giggles...or is it KICKS AND GIGGLES?....

 

 

DIRTY KITCHEN!.....DUD,DUD,DUD,DUD...itsa dirty kitchen... i thought you knew!

 

man... EWW... thats grose... thats alot of oil.... no... thats a lot of rice...

 

oo... can i eat that? theres no more rice jeff ate it all.... aww... what! FAT ASS!!!!.... "is my ass really that fat!? (gay voice)"

 

ZATARA- DRIFT WOOD.... you can be my drift wood any time... i'll let you ride my zatara anytime!

i'm excited.... hold up a hand...  stop? nooo.... 5... yess...words?

 

hahahahahaha

 

mann.... shit talking... thats awesome... between us 4... mann.

 

leaving the house.... lol

 

 

eh... i donno... thats all for now...

 

 

leaving the house..

 

in the car... jeff reaches to get his radio... in the glove conpartment... i close my door and its dark... "oh did you need the light?" open my door... light goes on what did we come to find... jeff totally missed the key hole!!!!! the FUNNIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!

 

your awesome... and i like you!

 

 

 

AWw.... THANKS TUB OF LARD FOR TAKING ME HOME your the greatest! *MUAH*

 

WTF is going on...

I don't know what the hell is going on anymore in my life i guess i'm pretty much living it as the day goes!

I heard someone say      

"HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE ELSE IF YOU CAN'T LOVE YOUR SELF FIRST"

 
soo... I think its kind of ture how can you love someone else if you can't love yourself? I mean because right now I REALLY HATE MYSELF.

why must i do this to myself... Put everyone else in before my actions, my feelings, I say i like seeing other people happy but to not be happy myself... WHAT IS THAT?

"when im lost in the rain in your eyes i know ill find the light to light my way! When im scare losing ground when my world is going crazy you can turn it all around. and when im down your there pushing my to the top, your always there giving me all you've got" I TURN TO YOU!

Dang...  did I mess this one up?!?

 

so its been said there are many fish in the sea....

              we're not in the sea!!! we're not fishes we're mammals...

 

one song that best explains my feelings....

 

CHRISTINA MILIAN LYRICS"Until I Get Over You"Woke up today thinking of youAnother night that I made my way throughSo many dreams still left in my mindBut they can never come trueI press rewind and remember whenI close my eyes and I'm with you againBut in the end I can still feel the pain, every time I hear your name[Chorus]The sun won't shine since you went awaySeems like the rain's falling every dayThere's just one heart, where there once was twoBut that's the way it's gotta be,'til I get over you[Verse 2]Walked through the park, in the evening airI heard a voice and I thought you were thereI run away but I just can't escapeMemories of you everywhereThey say that time will dry the tearsBut true love burns for a thousand yearsGive my tomorrows for one yesterdayJust to know that I could have you here[Bridge]When will this river of tears stop fallin'Where can I run so I won't feel aloneCan't walk away when the pain keeps callin'I've just gotta take it from here on my ownBut it's so hard to let go

 

 

 
wanting so much to get over you but its hard... =*(

17 years old... in love... having trouble getting over it...

now that you know

now that you know  I have this.... i guess I can say that i'm glad you know. Although I didn't really want you to know that I have journal I'm glad you know now.

this journal is in all dedication to you, or other things i dont want people to read. things I have running through my mind that people dont need to know about.

I wanted to show you this to show you this at a later time in life... when I wasnt feeling so much heart ach and shit like that.

Okay... here is the thing. if you alredy read the other entrys you'll porlly understand it all. if you didn't read those yet...
heres the the short version. (maybe)

I put myself in to situations that i can't controll. When you left me hanging I was in the process of making all my priorties straight. I was almost there... untill our "break up" (sorry i don't know  what to call it.) Althought it wasnt officail it was like we were together. We had all the qualitys of it being together just didnt have that title. Yeah. I can only say it over and over and over again but I miss you I don't think there is anyone or anything that can ever change the way that i feel about you. I'm in the process of letting you go but then I dont want to. I'll just set it aside for another day....untill that day you come back to me. In hopes that you will be with me again. But untill then I'll just put all my LOVE for you in a JAR and lable it for you. Although nothing can really contain all my love for you. Its corny I know.. but its the truth. I got LOTS OF LOVE FOR YOU. up untill the moment that we were "together" and left I relized that It was so hard for me to let you go. The REASON BEING was that well... not only were you my first but I FELL IN LOVE. YOUR WHOLE PRESENCE YOUR VIBE YOUR EVERYTHING... was so much that i wanted in a man and more. I was so scared to lose you that i would have done anything  not to lose you. That is where I WENT WRONG. I PUSHED YOU AWAY... I Wish you would have said something. I prayed that you would talk to me and let me know what was up or something... IT was all I ever really wanted. thats y i was hella pushing to talk to you. I donno...

Sometimes I get a little frustrated because I get to the point when we are hanging out that I want to like Hug you and never let you. I want to go up to you and kiss you on the lips... But i have to HOLD back.  Not do anything. MAN.... "I STILL LOVE YOU BABE.... I'm STILL FOR YOU BOY, even thought we disagree I'll never leave you baby... Cuz i realize i need you in my life"
 
 

the only thing i can do is pray everynight

chillin with him.

Yo... so like im  here hella chillin thinking about hella shit. listening to joel,julie and jeff talk about college. Yeah... so like i donno... Its crazy... just hella shit needs to be done. So im hella chillin... after school i went home ate then like called up jeff to see if he was going to the meeting. He called me up and said he was at my house. we finally got to the place... blahblahblah.. hella chillin. lalala... i donno its we chilled... talked.. then headed out jovver went home. Jeff and i went to grab something to eat we went to La Costa. its like La Vics but different. YEAH. lol.. CHEEPER. yup... lol WE ARE SAVEGES... WE STOLE A BOTTLE OF TAPATIO! lol... it was hella funny... LOVIN THAT MOMENT. We headed out went to jovvers house and like we chilled. frenchie stoped by then she left, auntie and uncle came home, we then headed out we went over to jeffs house to like chill.. for a bit we were suppose to go to oakridge but that didnt happen.
 
so like everyones gone... whos left jeff joel and julie... they are talking im just pretty much listening... feeling kind of tired... not i dont know what the hells going on...
 
BLEH... thats pretty much it i'm hella chill... waiting to see whats going on... so yeah.. PEACE
 

- i've said it before but i'll say it again i miss you and i will always miss you! you will forever be in my heart and thats where you will stay!

i simply miss you.... being with you is great. we need to hang out... just us. you know talk... or sit... one of the two... hangout on that one hill that we kicked it at... watch the sun go down. you know... all that good stuff. I just want to be with you i miss you so much... i hold all of it in because i dont know how u feel. Sometimes i look at you and you seem troubled. I want to pull that side out of you and have it talk to me... cuz im always here to listen. you always like.... tell me no secreats... but like.... you suck... EH....

 
I DONNO. IHELLA MISS YOU!

 

 
i can only pray!

i'm still in love

so like im sitting here hella chillin and talkign to my cuzin... whom i must say is a DORK!!! but then again when are we not dorks! Yeah what i do gotta say is that i love them all....

SO anyways I was over at my cousins house chillin and we got to talking because she was asking me all these questions while she was eating. I told her that  I hella care for him and that I hella miss him.  Eh... oh well ... i mean that feeling is still there but like... I donno i guess hes happy! well im happy too... not really trying to rush into nething... or like move one... but like  I still like him.. or i mean LOVE him... because i did find out that i did fall in love with him!

 
I'm hella chill.. i mean sometimes it hurts but i dont let it get the best of me... so yeah....

i just wanted to update just a lil because... im here with him now!

 

 

 
MUAHAHAHA

 

i love him...

"the other one"

 So today was a really productive day Got a lot dont esp in class... it was great!!! i'm hella excited because 8 days left!!! 8 days for summer school.. its almost OVER! SCORE!...
 
I got my naps in today... i've been really tired... hella putting myself out there never getting reconized for nething! but whatever thats besides the point.
 
- do you ever get the feeling that the people who u think care about you TALK HELLA SHIT behind your back? Well Yeah for some reason i got that feeling... well i get that feeling when im around some people. It hurts like a lot but i make the best of space and give it to whom ever needs it. I fall out thinking things through... and really its the dreaded cotillion practices....I'm sorry jennelle but this is the worst yet. I have never has so much bad feelings... so much bad vibes coming from everyone or mostly everyone. I stay because I love you. I stay because your my sister... to speak the truth I had my moment where I was thinking of dropping out. Because seeing your brother was to much for me to handle. But i scarificed me suffering... me trying to get through everything seeing him everyday... Just so that it wouldnt be hard on you! I did it because i LOVE YOU. Your my sister and i would never leave you hanging like that!
 the thing that happened today that got to me was that.... we "started" practice and well like stanks was having a problem... yet again another member lost! replacements? suggested camille... and well...  i dea... DUDE!!! auntie came out and was like hey neneng y dont you ask yuong barkada ne jeffrey... you know the other one....  JEFF: NOOO!!!! JENNELLE SAID NO!! man.. it stuck in my head and well it hurt!! i'm over it... got through the night  talking to Ctal and Kaka... it started with  kaka ctal mom and wang... then because us 3 and mom  was telling wang a story. we had hella laughs... Ctall your funny i stil have my cherry.. I have my V card! what a dork! I got peged in the head by and ice cube... ry threw it... and watched jeff ry and chris down some beer... really interusting! yepyep!!! FUNNY STUFF!
 
i guess it was an over all okay day!

 

I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD EVER FALL IN LOVE... I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE YOU! I SPOKE TO FUCKIN SOON BECAUSE I DID FALL IN LOVE... AND IT WAS WITH YOU!!!

I never said life was fair!!!
 
but DAMN... it sucks!
I personally would like to know how he feels? if he's happy and all that other junk! anyways!!!! I'm on the verge of passin that line! I'm soo almost there! I want to bad to pass that line, but DANG! I donno its hard because I dont want to do it... i want to go back to when we were okay! when we were like "inseperable". I miss how you would go up to me and ask me if there was somthing wrong, then you would talk to me about it even tho i didnt want to. you always used the line "no secrets... we said no secreats" We made that promise to each other. I never broke it. But you did several times I hella let u slide. I believe in making promises and keeping them.It always hurt when you broke it. I never break a promise because there was once an insadent that happened where i broke it and well it ended off in a bad note. I made a vow to myself that i would never do that again. I guess it was different for you. I DONNO... whatever....
It hurts a lot sometimes but then i try my best to not think of you...
I wanted to get away everytime u were there... I always put up a front acting like i was okay when in reality i wasnt. You would walk in and i was like FUCK...there was a time when i was about to have a breakdown and you were right there.I wanted to RUNN... I wanted so bad to get away to never see you again. I never wanted to talk to you. I never wanted us to end is all...But i can't help what happened. I can't help it at all.. I wished that i never pushed u i wish i never gave u that feeling I FUCKED UP there... but...
I think the reason why i'm not letting you go is because well I fell for you liking you.... we did what we did... but its not just that...I FELL IN LOVE. I never said it to you because i was scared... but now that we are no longer a "item" I RELIZED IT... that I LOVE YOU... i guess its my bad i was trying so hard no to lose you but in reality i lost you by doing that

YOU SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT. I COULD HAVE CHANGED THAT.

On the reals i miss you so much! You dont know dude... MY HEART goes out to you...
I did fall... I fell in love thats what happened and now im STUCK!

I guess thats all...

YO so like im here at home chillin... talkingto karen on the phone. Were hella like complaining How BLOGGER is changing YEAh... i donno.. im bored and tired... and i stink.. i need to go and take a shower i woke up at 930 and now im stinky... hhahaha well i guess thats alll
ttfn
bye bye... i'll update more later!

BATTLEFEST NEW SCHOOL

From the Maker’s of Battlefest Live comes the next generation of dance battles.



Battlefest ”New Schools”

@ Silver Creek High School, San Jose, Northern Califa



Silver Creek High School

3434 Silver Creek Rd.

San Jose, Califa 95121



This time, your group has to be 20 or under.



That’s right; the new break off event from Battlefest Live gives the next generation their due.





Battlefest “New Schools” Xtras:



“Survival of the Illest” 3 on 3 All Styles Battle

Last time ladies of Syde B rocked the roof of the Hyatt Hotel Ballroom. Who’s going to survive the truest test of over all dance skills? 3 person teams, 1 woman required, all styles, DJ chooses the music, Can you survive 2.5 minutes? If so, register at the show. For battle rules go to www.bboxentertainment.net



Live!!! The Return of 3 Style Attractions

3 Style Attractions DJ Showcase

Catch Bay Area legends 3 Style Attraction, mix all night long while they promote their new CD that drops August 15



Live Performances by:



Sicksyde
Battlefest Live V3 Champions, the ladies are back for an encore performance of their championship performance that brought home the gold back in March



Kaba Modern

Straight from UC Irvine, these cats are dance legends straight out of So Cal, show them some love at Battlefest New Schools



More Performers TBA



Silver Creek High School

3434 Silver Creek Rd.

San Jose, Califa 95121



**There are still spots available: email info@bboxentertainment.net

Fuckin SHIT!!!

so I'm here at home hella chillin... its weird because my parents are always telling me to stay home be productive and shit. but DAMN theres nothing to do!! So anyways I can most deffinatly say that I'm hella tired... i'm hella use to like being out not taking any naps... going to sleep like at 10 or not even that... sleep like at 12 or 1 because i'm on the phone with a hommie! I donno. Whatever... Sometimes i just don't feel like doing shit anymore.I don't feel like talking to anyone just... just being by myself... or even to get away! How would it be like to get away from it all! I want so much to be happy but i can't! its fuckin hard! there is just so much that I personally want to know about you but it's seems as though it's the most impossible thing that I can do! I want to talk like firends. I want to miss you and be missed back! I want so much to be with you. Like I told jovver there is hella things that i miss... but... I can't go back to the past because well thats impossible.
If I were to go back to the past and have the chance to change everything I would make it so that I didnt fuck it up... or I'd have it so that i wouldnt be in the position that i'm in!
I want to say... FUCK YOU! SCREW YOU!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! DONT TALK TO ME AGAIN!!! but shit like that is impossible GRR...

I pray everynight!

my first thought when i wake up... my last thought when i go to sleep at night!


I need to get you out of my head!





i can only pray

interusting!

hey there people of america...or i should say the very many people that know i have this. which is only a hand ful.. actully not even a handful. 4 people almost but not quite there.

I had a conversation with my BROTHER jovs, I love this guy!
heres how it went

EYEDENTITyabba: yo
JovVeRsAtyLe: yo....
EYEDENTITyabba: the movies at 930
JovVeRsAtyLe: what are we watching????
EYEDENTITyabba: i forgot the name
JovVeRsAtyLe: whose gonna go???
EYEDENTITyabba: umm..
EYEDENTITyabba: jeff jennelle
EYEDENTITyabba: justine
EYEDENTITyabba: jay
EYEDENTITyabba: me
EYEDENTITyabba: you?
EYEDENTITyabba: and i donno
JovVeRsAtyLe: yup and VAl.....
EYEDENTITyabba: okay
EYEDENTITyabba: right on
JovVeRsAtyLe: imma bring her with me...
EYEDENTITyabba: koo koo
JovVeRsAtyLe: Kinda like her....
EYEDENTITyabba: i figured
JovVeRsAtyLe: how???
EYEDENTITyabba: when i saw u sitting on the swing
JovVeRsAtyLe: last night???
JovVeRsAtyLe: oh...
EYEDENTITyabba: and like i donno.. i just had a feeling that u do
JovVeRsAtyLe: we got hella close over the weekend...
EYEDENTITyabba: im "PATHETIC"
EYEDENTITyabba: thats kool
JovVeRsAtyLe: why do you sa so???
JovVeRsAtyLe: say
EYEDENTITyabba: nooo
JovVeRsAtyLe: "Pathetic????
EYEDENTITyabba: it was a joke
EYEDENTITyabba: it sounds better
JovVeRsAtyLe: what was ???
JovVeRsAtyLe: I'm lost now....
EYEDENTITyabba: the pathetic part
JovVeRsAtyLe: sorry I'm slow...
EYEDENTITyabba: naw
EYEDENTITyabba: its all good
JovVeRsAtyLe: word...
EYEDENTITyabba: it sounds better
EYEDENTITyabba: when i say i to you in person
EYEDENTITyabba: so yeah
JovVeRsAtyLe: ohhhhhhh.....ic ic
EYEDENTITyabba: jovver.. can i call you brother
EYEDENTITyabba: hahaha
JovVeRsAtyLe: sure.....
JovVeRsAtyLe: I don't mind....
EYEDENTITyabba: imma call you manong.
EYEDENTITyabba: one of the two.
EYEDENTITyabba: yeah.
JovVeRsAtyLe: no...NO MANONG....
EYEDENTITyabba: im hella stuck...
JovVeRsAtyLe: I don't like that one...
EYEDENTITyabba: okay
EYEDENTITyabba: okay ill call you brother then
EYEDENTITyabba: i miss haning with you!
JovVeRsAtyLe: word..I do too.........
EYEDENTITyabba: i donno
EYEDENTITyabba: i miss a lot of things
JovVeRsAtyLe: Like???
EYEDENTITyabba: i want to go and like speak on it but i dont want to cry
JovVeRsAtyLe: word....
EYEDENTITyabba: even just saying that is bring tears to my eyes
JovVeRsAtyLe: well I'm here for you....
EYEDENTITyabba: i know you are
EYEDENTITyabba: and i thank you for that
JovVeRsAtyLe: *MUAH*
JovVeRsAtyLe: ;-)
JovVeRsAtyLe: Love you Lots!!!!!
EYEDENTITyabba: i love you too!
EYEDENTITyabba: i means a lot to me jovver
EYEDENTITyabba: like seriously
EYEDENTITyabba: i know i can count on you to be there and hear me out
JovVeRsAtyLe: no doubt.....
EYEDENTITyabba: SO THANK YOU
JovVeRsAtyLe: NO....thank you....
EYEDENTITyabba: :-)
EYEDENTITyabba: dude...
EYEDENTITyabba: i donno...
EYEDENTITyabba: im hella stuck
JovVeRsAtyLe: stuck???
EYEDENTITyabba: like... im in the area.
EYEDENTITyabba: okay its like this
EYEDENTITyabba: theres a line...
EYEDENTITyabba: and this line... is basically what im trying to cross
JovVeRsAtyLe: okay.....
EYEDENTITyabba: and the thing is...
EYEDENTITyabba: theres a lot holding me back
EYEDENTITyabba: i want to move on...
EYEDENTITyabba: but i cant
JovVeRsAtyLe: it always takes a lot to move on....
JovVeRsAtyLe: Time sweetheart....
EYEDENTITyabba: and even if i did try to cross that line...
JovVeRsAtyLe: lots of time
EYEDENTITyabba: i go back over
JovVeRsAtyLe: Reflection
EYEDENTITyabba: yeah...
JovVeRsAtyLe: and surrounding yourself with people that can ease you....
EYEDENTITyabba: what do u mean by that?
JovVeRsAtyLe: by ease you???
EYEDENTITyabba: nm
EYEDENTITyabba: haha..
JovVeRsAtyLe: or what...
EYEDENTITyabba: i thought u said... erase
EYEDENTITyabba: i was like What?
JovVeRsAtyLe: ohh
JovVeRsAtyLe: hahaha
EYEDENTITyabba: it took me a while
JovVeRsAtyLe: word...hahahaha
EYEDENTITyabba: i dont even know about that.
EYEDENTITyabba: its hella hard...
EYEDENTITyabba: the thing of seeing him everyday
EYEDENTITyabba: it sucks
JovVeRsAtyLe: Iknow...
JovVeRsAtyLe: it has to be...
EYEDENTITyabba: we told each other that we wouldnt have the awkward feelings but its there
EYEDENTITyabba: and i donno...
JovVeRsAtyLe: You gotta ask yourself why its there....
JovVeRsAtyLe: then when you understand why its there..its easier to dela with...
EYEDENTITyabba: like even today.. the only thing that i said to him was... hi.. and did i leave my watch at you house
JovVeRsAtyLe: deal
EYEDENTITyabba: yeah
EYEDENTITyabba: but see...
EYEDENTITyabba: i dont put it there...
EYEDENTITyabba: i want to talk tohim
EYEDENTITyabba: i want to have a conversation with him
EYEDENTITyabba: i want that... but its like we cant even do that
JovVeRsAtyLe: then do it....
JovVeRsAtyLe: why not???
EYEDENTITyabba: it seems like he doesnt want to talk to me
JovVeRsAtyLe: It "seems"
EYEDENTITyabba: why is that... im the one who has to start the conversation
JovVeRsAtyLe: but is it certain
JovVeRsAtyLe: I don't think so...
JovVeRsAtyLe: Guys are dumb thats why...
JovVeRsAtyLe: we don't know if people need to talk to us even if they ask...
JovVeRsAtyLe: thats just how guys are in general...
EYEDENTITyabba: yeah
EYEDENTITyabba: but i dont need to talk to him
JovVeRsAtyLe: but I'm sure Jeff is more than willing to talk...
EYEDENTITyabba: it want it to be like how im talkin to you
EYEDENTITyabba: i miss him a lot
EYEDENTITyabba: i hella wonder if he feels the same
JovVeRsAtyLe: ic ic...
JovVeRsAtyLe: I dunno yabba...
JovVeRsAtyLe: Time and patience....
EYEDENTITyabba: yeah
JovVeRsAtyLe: and lots of communicating
EYEDENTITyabba: Eh...
JovVeRsAtyLe: communicating that you wanna communitcate
EYEDENTITyabba: IM HELLA HEART BROKEN...
EYEDENTITyabba: but yeah
EYEDENTITyabba: im getting over it
EYEDENTITyabba: i just need to past that line
JovVeRsAtyLe: and I'll help you get across that line...
EYEDENTITyabba: thanks
JovVeRsAtyLe: you gotta get past that line....but...
JovVeRsAtyLe: not alone....
EYEDENTITyabba: thanks BROTHER!!!
EYEDENTITyabba: u cant see it but im crying!
JovVeRsAtyLe: awwwwww....
JovVeRsAtyLe: don't cry.....
EYEDENTITyabba: I LOVE YOU
EYEDENTITyabba: REALLY
EYEDENTITyabba: I MEAN THAT!
JovVeRsAtyLe: Love You Too.....
EYEDENTITyabba: :-JovVeRsAtyLe: cheer up...
JovVeRsAtyLe: we're gonna chill tonight before i go to arizona
EYEDENTITyabba: i'll be there by tonight
JovVeRsAtyLe: Imma miss you guys...
EYEDENTITyabba: tell ate i said HI!!!
JovVeRsAtyLe: all good though I'll see you guys on aim....
JovVeRsAtyLe: hahah
JovVeRsAtyLe: fo sho
EYEDENTITyabba: actully ill write her a letter
JovVeRsAtyLe: 'll let her know...
JovVeRsAtyLe: okay....
JovVeRsAtyLe: sounds like a plan....
EYEDENTITyabba: then i'll give it to you tonight
JovVeRsAtyLe: fo sho....
EYEDENTITyabba: look...
EYEDENTITyabba: something new
EYEDENTITyabba: http://yabbasaid.blogspot.com
JovVeRsAtyLe: gonna save it under my favorites
JovVeRsAtyLe: whatis it???
EYEDENTITyabba: its my BLOG
JovVeRsAtyLe: another type of xanger
EYEDENTITyabba: im switchin over
EYEDENTITyabba: yup
EYEDENTITyabba: this is the original
JovVeRsAtyLe: oh icic
EYEDENTITyabba: i did it all by myself too
JovVeRsAtyLe: I'm afraid i might get addicted if I try it...
JovVeRsAtyLe: hahaha
EYEDENTITyabba: heheh
EYEDENTITyabba: dont its harder then xanga
JovVeRsAtyLe: oh...
EYEDENTITyabba: u have to do all this HTML stuff
JovVeRsAtyLe: good looking out
EYEDENTITyabba: hehe
EYEDENTITyabba: i know you
EYEDENTITyabba: if its something new your gonna try it out
EYEDENTITyabba: yeah...
JovVeRsAtyLe: I have managed to stay away from myspace....
JovVeRsAtyLe: so proud of myself
EYEDENTITyabba: I dont know what everyones doing
EYEDENTITyabba: they are all downstairs laughing
EYEDENTITyabba: yeah
EYEDENTITyabba: i know
JovVeRsAtyLe: where are you????
EYEDENTITyabba: hella anti myspace
EYEDENTITyabba: im the parents room
EYEDENTITyabba: so what are u up to
EYEDENTITyabba: ?
JovVeRsAtyLe: about to leave....
JovVeRsAtyLe: still gotta pick up Val....
EYEDENTITyabba: word
JovVeRsAtyLe: word....
JovVeRsAtyLe: for reals though...
EYEDENTITyabba: are u two gonna hang
EYEDENTITyabba: or come over here?
JovVeRsAtyLe: not trying to get at her
JovVeRsAtyLe: not sure
EYEDENTITyabba: oh..
JovVeRsAtyLe: alrighty yo
JovVeRsAtyLe: gonna bounce out right now....
JovVeRsAtyLe: I'll see ya in a few???
EYEDENTITyabba: alright bye brother
EYEDENTITyabba: see you in a bit!
JovVeRsAtyLe: bye love.....
EYEDENTITyabba: show her ur abs of steel
EYEDENTITyabba: hahaha
JovVeRsAtyLe: hahaha
EYEDENTITyabba: laters!
EYEDENTITyabba: big hug later
JovVeRsAtyLe: pe@ce
JovVeRsAtyLe: no doubt
JovVeRsAtyLe: ;-)
JovVeRsAtyLe signed off at 7:39:43 PM.


THANK YOU FOR THE TALK BROTHER!!!!

okay day?

I donno today was pretty muhc okay. I sucked on my test... but i finished all my work. IT was pretty cold but then again it was hot in some places....

my "brudder" jovver came home today. He's okay... jeffs eye is hella swollen. and jovver looked like he had a third eye. hahaha.. but umm... besides that Im okay. I was a little irratated because there was some shit that was going on between my hommie... I want to help her out but like the thing is i dont know the people. so i dont want to be apart of the DRAMA. It was a cool day a tad emotional because i went back to the past when i was like a 5th grader and SOME WHITE CHICK WAS A BIATCH!!! and called me a DOG EATER! yeah... memeories Talking about it brings back all that heart ach! TRAMATIZIN... HURTS ME HEART...

i donno school in the morning i sleepy now byebye

one good day... some bad news... but still happy

So like today was kool...
i chilled at home for the most part that well. after a bit of chillin i went to meeting with some of my sisters. headed over to kakas house and she showed me how to do some HTMLs... good stuff headed out to the baraquils. we worked on stuff for battlefest new school.. got alot done and well after we did all that kaka and i chilled listening to salsa music because I'm thinking for doing a so part with just jeff and i for my cotillion. i donno yet. but thats besides the point. We chilled... did a lil work out and then ate dinner... while eating dinner jennelle gets a phone call...she was like Are they okay! got me hella worried justine and i on the side thinking whats going on. Jennelle tells us what happened. PHEW... not so serious... STILL HELLA SCARED... well I was. I MEAN BECAUSE ANYTHING I WOULD PUT ANYONE ELSE BEFORE ME! These guys I LOVE and can't bare to think they got hurt! I mean common now they had to go to the HOSPITAL! but yeah.. they are OKAY! Waiting till i see them! soon! the girls and i played cranium!!! it was dope. HEHe well i watched it was still funny! I like the game! GOOD STUFF!smoothies!!! yumm... I donno over all with my ladies it was good! I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!Ya'll are great!!! AND YOU STINK! hehehe...

jov- I "HATE" YOU! feel better because i care... i'm just a sister that cares a whole lot about you!!! take meds if it hurts kay =)

JEFF- I still like you... FEEL BETTER, I care! like i said take meds if it hurts.. get rest because all you can do is really sleep off the pain!

SISTERS.. YA'll ARE AWESOME!!! We stink.. and we're fat! hehehe I LOVE YOU LADDIES!

richel constantino- hey there miss... thank you for putting me in your prayers i really appreciate it. FOR all your support! its good to know I miss you miss!!1 really i do. I'll see you when i see you

thats all for now

I PRAY EVERY NIGHT....

Ikaw Lang ang MAHAL

Ikaw lang ang mahal at lagi kong dasal
Sana`y di magbago ang damdamin mo
at ang iniisip mo lang at ako
Huwag mong sasabihin
mayroon ka ng ibang giliw
baka hindi makaya kung mawawala ka
Dahil puso ko`y nasanay na
[Palaging ikaw ang nais makita
Ganyan lagi ang aking nadarama
At bakit ikaw ang siyang minahal
at aking inibig na tunay
Huwag mo lamang sanang sasabihin
iiwanan ako at may ipapalit na sa akin]

It is the afternoon of saturday the 10

so well i'm sitting here about to update about my whole week...

Okay so like starting with July 3,2004 I didnt have any plans to really do anything so i called up jeff to see what he was doing... I asked him if I could take him up on his offer of his raincheck. So yeah he came over. We sat chilled and talked for 2hrs and 30 mins about everything. well for the most part it was everything. I got clouser on the subject of us.

I STILL LIKE YOU!!! but... eh... whatever what can i do right?

so after he left I pretty much marinated it was hot and I sat at the computer for most of the day. Why was that well because just like now there was nothing to freakin do. So I did that. after a bit of chillin at home I called up chris to see what he was doingand he said he was going to chill over at a hommies house. I was like sure im down because i have nothing else to do. I ened up leaving my house at like 6.... finally something to do right. Well it wasn't much. We went over to cliffs house watched them play basketball and I basically just like sat there the sun in my fuckin face and then well, after a bit we finally headed over to the actual house.chillin at the house was kool. when we got there we sat and watched tv. For some reason iwas hella tired so like i took a nap. Ha!!! cliff moved me to his room so that everyone else could sit on the couch. We were suppose to go and watch fireworks but by that time, I drank up a lil and the others were just to lazy to move. so we stayed where we were and posted it there. MANN... I'm SO not a FAN of Hard STUFF... BLAH.. not really into that.. me i'm more of a beer drinker, but I lived the night... thanks for looking out for me chris. A night i wont forget..

Happy Belated JULY 4th

hahah so like july 4th it consisted of me waking up going to church and... after that eating lunch.... after i ate lunch i fixed me up my cloths... I chilled did the laundry and then went to double tree. why did we go there. justines cotillion we were suppose to have 2 suites but the people scrwed with the reservations... so well we ended up with 4 rooms instead. its all good in the hood. the lady that coodinated justines cotillion gave here parents a suite and the last day to use it was july4th. so well there you go! all of the court basically went it was awesome that it was so awesome. watched fireworks... they were small but we could see them still form a distance, JINGA, CARDS TONS OF LAUGHS. holdem. I'm the WEENNER!!! Jovvers backla voice and the laugh was hella awesome! althought he woke up papa henry. Jeff grant chris and i played 13... they evetually got bored and left. jeff and i sat at the table and he was teaching me how to play pasoy...I kinda understand it. the time was 4:30 by that time... ryan crystal rachel chris and grant were knocked out. eventually jeff fell asleep after we played cards...that guy i donno how he can sleep on those chairs.I hit my head on the table it hurt... but it was funny i got over it. I wanted to sleep but... my pollow was with grant. he was all over it like melted cheese on bread. i let him have it. my areo bed was taken over by rachel crystal chris karen and jd.... dang it. i had no spot. my blanket was on justine. DANG!!! i had nothing. So I eneded up moving to the bathtub. I put all the towels on the floor of the tub and sat inside. Jennelle was going to sleep with me there but we ended up going back outside. jovver justine jennelle and jorina... <--- wow all J's except myself ... we ended up playing sherades... yeah... jay and jd were awake too they were playing video games. (they are J's too)It was hella funny because the movements that jovver did were hella funny. We didnt understand him. It was like what the fawk...but it was hella funny. Because of our laughing rachel gets up and moves herself to the closet. sorry sister! we eneded our game around 550... then tryed to go to sleep. I was about to go to the bathroom but then jovver told me to stay over where everyone else was. Jeff woke up and i told him to lay down on the floor. that he could use my blanket. I eneded up giving him a towel and a sweater for a pillow. Because at that point i didnt care. everyone else had my stuff!!! then like.. i sat down... jovver sat next to me... justine jorina,jay and jennelle were on the couch bed. jennelle wasnt having it and she moved to a spot on the floor with pillows under her.tryed to fall asleep but jovver kept talking. Eh... the floor usually a place i could sleep but mann... not kool... no tengo pillow.. Justine gave me my blanket back. YAY!!! i was a wake for the most part. couldnt really sleep i had like what 30 mins of actually sleep. i woke up to the sound of jeff snooring in my ear. and when i turned over jovvers thingy was in my face!!! he had to sleep the other direction!!!not kool i was paranoid when we first layed down because jovvers ass was in my face and i was scared he was going to fart i mean because he did say i'm sorry if i fart when im sleeping! Dang!!! mann what a pooper! so i had to face the other way the whole time. i donno. I was kinda pissed when people were awake i wanst sleeping i was laying there with my eyes closed pretending to sleep. yeah. i donno i couldnt take it. whatever. it eventually turned 10 everyone was awake except myself jeff grant jorina and jennelle. everyone else went up to get breakfast. fun! ha! we all eventually got up around 1030 and got ready to leave.

I rolled with grant, droped jay home, then the 4 of us went to the ordillos. joel was there with julie... he tryed to scare us... grant came and left. jennelle got ready. bj picked her up and then joel and julie left. jeff and I just chilled watched Tv... fell asleep.. for a bit and then... I asked him if i could shower. and so i did.. we went to go and visit their lola. dropped jennelle off at home and then jeff and i went to costco. FAWKER.... hit my ankle with the CART! i was walking with a pimp walk for a bit! hahaha.... its all good... listening to the reggae/house mix... it was dope... "touch you ears, touch your nose, touch your thighs and reach for the sky!"(with the hand movements and everything!)HAHAHA! BITCH! mann i was soo tired!!! practice....fuckin shit. i hated on myself. the salsa spilled on my shirt... luckly i was waring another shit under it! quick change.! hehe... after that... long day... i needed to go home school the next day!!

-----------my emotional break down of the day

Man there is just sooo much bullshit that i want to get rid of... some i want to hold on to. I want to take the things that i have thrown away and hold on to it. I want to take this broken heart and sew it back together... I want to be happy. I want to make my parents proud of me I want them to see me in my glory. i want to be proud. Want to be reconized... I want TO JUST BREATH!!!..... inhale.... exhale... BREATH...

Come get me
take me take me to the ultimate bliss...
where life is worth the wait... where time holds its place.

so high up in the sky.
oblivious to what we will become.
my heart races everytime i step into the room... your there.. and i breath
we walk out hand in hand.
thinkin this is the best moment of my life.
I dont think i can be any happier.
my sincer appologies to you, my fault, my mistake, i'm sorry
heart felt arguments that turn out for the better.
I sware i've changed...
little by little i dig my self in to a deeper hole
I want to get out I told my self i would never fall.

fixated on what has become
I fell apart when you said those words
" I JUST WANT TO FUCK IT,DROP EVERYTHING, AND LEAVE IT ALONE"
you grabed me by the hand and took me to a place that i've never been.
said some words that left me...
stuck titering off that high above limb.
I spoke my words as you sat there and listened.
made faces like what the fuck...
as tho i was speaking some forgin toung.
with tears rolling down my face...
I wonder...

I've dug the deepest hole.
unable to pull myself out.
it seems as tho the walls were closing in and i scream digging myself deeper
I want to see
to see what has become
to relize that its gone
Im here and your there
unsatisfied of what i have become.
it gets worse before it gets any better
someone please press rewind
I want to go back... back to being happy..

Come get me
take me take me to the ultimate bliss...
where life is worth the wait... and time holds its place.


------ NOT THE GREATEST still need to revise it and shit!

just the beginning

soo this is the start of something new...

yet again another damn journal... what the fuck!... its funny how i actully do this shit... i mea take the time to write in it. I mean it may not even be a whole lot but I do it.

theres this guy who i think is an asshole. He puts me in my temper spot i just want to shoot him. Ha yeah right. Im just there and it hurts. I need to get over his ass! seriously. I donno. PISSSED... Im OUT up date tomorrow