mmmmm.... hungry!!!! hahaha



FOOOD.... canabalisim... isn't the greatest! HAHAHA KARE... MMMM....


so anyways that was awhile back when i hung out wiht karen.
________________


So I'm chillin like a villan right now. Hungry... kinda... Sleepy YES. HEAD HURTING!!! BLEH. So anyways... school is a drag... in a sense I mean because my sechedual is basically 2 class each day with a BIG ASS GAP IN BETWEEN.

Yet again another day that i was late.. TRAFFIC BEING A BITCH! So anyways... I had a bad migrain attack... it was all bad. I finally had a class with someone i know. Ha! my last class is with people that i know. and well... all my other classes i met new people that all seem to be pretty cool. As far as meeting new people and adding a class I dont think that will be happening this quarter. I mean... not that i dont want to but i figured that... the classes that im taking now is pretty KICK BACK.. it seems easy but then again. yeah its only the beginning! SO any ways my last class... jay was in it and like HAHAHA.. its like going through FYC AGAIN.. FUNNY! any ways imma go now

peace then!

its early but im tired and i feel sick. so BLEH!

SCHOOL

So... i missed a day of blogging... Well right now i guess the day didn't really matter to me I mean because i cant remeber what happened. I know i had practice and then from the rest of the other day i dont know what happened.

SCHOOL IS COOL!!!

Most of the day was spent chillin...

OH yeah DID I MENTION... I WAS SUPER LATE FOR MY CLASS!!! G DANG!!!!! 30 mins... MOTHER SUCKER... THERE WAS MAD TRAFFIC!!! LIKE SERIOUSLY.. and it was 750 in the morning....
the traffic i believe died down like around 9 or something... ALL BAD! SUPER LATE.. but I mad a good impression on my teacher for talking... hahah. SCORE! anyways... HUMM...

like i said most of the day it was chill i mean 2 classes.... 2 hr break inbetween.... ESP for today.. i got out 30 mean early soo it was like... i had 3 hrs... met up with justine and karen, jd came along. L quad... saw a couple of hommies from my summer school class. and some people from middle school. got lost with a friend... helped him look for his class.. hahaha... OH SO LOST.. hahah SALL G it was great talking to you. met up with more people talked to them... WEIRD... SO MANY PEOPLE THAT I KNOW... funny seeing some people i mean the fact that we didnt go to school together... and well Now we ARE!!!!
some of my friends asked me if I missed Indy... I said no... not really... I miss the friends... but hey we all moved on from the drama stuff. YEAH... HURRAY... COLLEGE!

I MISS MY FRIENDS... I miss the summer.. and I miss jennelle bj kat and jacklyn.... SO THIS IS COLLEGE LIFE... I'm BROKE LIKE A JOKE... ALREDY! MOTHER BI!...

she can stare all she wants but "WERE GOING TO THE BOOK STORE!"hahahaha

PARKING WHAT A BITCH!

currently waiting for my laundry to finish.... OH SO SLEEPY and i FEEL GROSE.. you know like THROWING Up!!! I think its something I ate!

what to say?

so like it was and interusting day, My cousin May came to my house chilled for a bit and we waited for christy and other hommies. because they said they were going to be late. Any whooz... practice was pretty good. We pretty much finished up the first part. there is like 4 people that still need to catch up....

Jessen buddy... i just worrie about you.

on the other hand... It was chill.. and richel may and I were trying to do coreo for the tahitian... couldnt decided on the song. We liked this one song but... we cant use it because richel and her aunt did coreo to it and shes in the halao. soo its not possible. ITs like stealing you can say.

So yeah... Humm...I'm excited and scared all at the same time. Excited because I have a whole bunch of things going for me. scared because its coming for me. There is a whole bunch of stuff that I to do, my whole perspective on life, time for reevaluating. I want to change how i am around a certain someone. Fix my bad habbits, not be stubborn, Then again everyone has their flaws... and well those are a couple. I just want to do alot fix alot espically my room... thats the first place i want to start. I still have to talk to my parents about it. Tare down a wall... paint it. and put up take down throw away things. So many EFFIN MEMORIES In my room and I want to start OVER.

THE END OF what was SOOO GREAT TO ME... meaningful, special, Filled with mistakes, confusion, stress, LOVE, HONESTY, LOYALTY, which was all ENDED IN HEART ACH!

THIS IS the begginning of it all A NEW START kind of... A NEW SOMETHING.... I DONT KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT. I'm Just waiting because well... i'm tired of hurting, tired of crying, just tired and wanting to start something new. Naw mean.

WELL YEAH... THERE IS STUFF TO SAY... BUT I CANT SAY IT...
whatelse is there to say...

I.... NM I'm not going to say anything becuase well ITs how i feel and you either know or dont know...

i saw this on something.
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) - of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

HONESTY IS MY MAIN FRAME... I LIE BUT I TELL THE TURTH If you ASK ME.. OR IF I WANT TO TELL YOU... IF NOT THAT I JUST WONT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

the things that are in italics are the things that I think speak true for me. YEAH... TELL ME WHAT CHU THINK?

jovver-Peace easy

jeff- Peace difficult

abegail- Peace then.

pretty stuffed.

Today was a pretty exciting day.. I guess I can say so, i mean school stuff... needed to get done. Karen came to pick me up we went over to justines. Met up with her and jay. Saw GRANT after the longest time... like seriously... I havent seen him in hella days! headed out to de anza. it was quite hot. walked to get jay parking permit at the main building place... saw my "cousin" mark esguerra and his girlfriend... talked to her about her brother.. thats pretty much it. Jay and i went to get our id card pictures taken. jay was trying to make me laugh... it didnt work.. well it did but i held it in.

your super funny. and your picture is AWESOME!!!! good laughs.

went back to sj and met up with dio right quick ... they needed to figure out the plan for driving.. and then we headed to jds house. well jd karen and i. Met u up with william and chato. watched william play video games and then headed off to Gmall. good ish mang...

food.. oh so FULL.... $5.00 well spent!!! yep yep yep! hahaha well satisfied. and good laughs.
YUMM...

- current mood: crushed, scared,excited, in pain (head hurts), a tad frustrated.


YOUR A HOPE CRUSHER.... we'll SEE...

PEACE EASY... PEACE THEN.

practice is tomorrow at 6 and humm... jessen no be there.. YOU SUCK. I think tomorrow is the day that everyone is going to be there.. hehe i'll lay down the guilt trip. HAHA...


JEFF HOPE CRUSHER!!! KILLED IT YOU MOTHER SUCER.


3days

blogging... because theres something else important

yeah so like talk about blogging about jeff. I need to cut that doen to a minimuuummm... yeah... so i've decided... so yeah i miss jeff but theres nothing now that i can do to help our relationship. Its down in the drain if i do say so myself. Time for me to move on into something else.. something that is new.

whats going on in my life? well hummm theres not really anything to say. Nothing has really go on. I spent the day chillin at home, maranating in the heat. It wasn't as bad as it was last week... but it was still hot.

So yesterday was fun filled... a little frustration but then not so much. I basically stayd home finally left the house was suppose to go and watch movies with hommies. But ended up coming hella late and ish. so i went to mervens... saw some really nice cloths. No tengo dinero... but still nice. I was pretty happy.. i mean being by myself. I finally met up with everyone... i have reallygood timing if i do say so my self... 5 mins after i sat down karen called me and i asked her if she was out of the movie she said yes. And well we basically chilled i said my hellos... people were hungry... no fast food plans on going to red robin... saw marco. Yep that was good fun.. lots of laughs. watched the guys play the 2 video games that they had. stood in the parking lot for the longest time. said goodbye headed over to justine and rachels place where we played poker... GOOD ISH!!! i had fun... handled my issue... with a tissue.

i hate you jovver... i really hate you because i mean it... mean it. HAHAHA

Mother sucker... JEFF YOU SUCKER... YOU BROKE MY BRACELET. THANKS... GOES TO SHOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE, Didnt even bother to tell me that you broke it!! the heck!?!?

so i was asked the question by someone whom shall remain nameless.. and well being the way that it was asked i didnt like it... the fact that it was in this amount of time, that we spent together. I was unsure. VERY UNSURE... yeah... my answer to you was a NO... sorry there are things that need to be said but i dont know if i can say it now... maybe later.. I dont know. sometime... i'm sorry... for right now thats what i have to say.

GAHHH... I SERIOUSLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS DAMN STAGE...


THIS SUCKS ASS!!!!


counting down untill something new

COLLEGE finally....4 days

yep...

so its finally came down to this... the guy that i love... has feelings but is gone with someone new. SNIFFEL...

things been said, whats done is done

KAHIT HINDI IKAW.... it won't anyone untill you either come to your sences or untill someone better comes along.

untill then... it still you because i haven't found that someone.

so like yesterday was teh second day of cotillion practice and well. Not everyone showed up. I was kind of sad about that. BLEH. so anyways I was basically taching the cousins the basics for chacha. Yeah they pretty much got it. So anyways...

the morning time of the day was pretty much all drama... the rents were pretty much mad at each other because of what my brother did and well they didn't talk. I said just "F it" i didn't do ish, so I put on some head phones and did my own thang.

GAH. back to practice. It was pretty productive the people who i was worried about pretty much got it down. I'm hoping that the other 2 that i'm worried about get it. ITs gonna be GOOD..

SCUBS I LIKE WHAT WERE DOING. BUT DANG HUNNY thats a whole lot of TURNING. SO anyways... I donno i was pretty heated yesterday and I took it out on my partner. I'm sorry... sorry for all the hitting and what not. BUt yeah KAK... HAHAHA YOUR A MOTHER Fn' DORK. GAH... I HATE YOU BUT I DON'T.. OR DO I!

WHY DO U HAVE TO BE A JERK... GOSH.. I HATE IT WHEN YOUR LIKE THAT. It so dosen't help when your like that. The hits are of love. and of stress and frustration! OMG! Its CUZ I STILL HAVE MAJOR FEELINGS FOR YOU.. FAWK MANN!!! WHY DOSE IT HAVE TO BE YOU! WHY ME... GRRR.....

So... like today was the second day of cotillion practice. Still not everyone there. Then again it was a very very productive day. well it was better then i thought it would be. YUP. I was kind of scared. BUT IT WORKED OUT.I got a little irratated by the smallest thing... and i took it out on my partner. I donno
The day was full of BLEH... in the morning time there was DRAMA with the family my parents got mad at each other because of my brother and GAHH.. HELLA PISSED ME OFF but i didnt show it. I just ignored it. It was all his fault that they weren't talking. MOTHER SUCKER. anyways...
I got mad at one point at my partner because i wanted to practice but it seemed like he didnt want to be there at all.

FUCK I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IM SO FRUSTRATED... I WANT TO BE HIS FRIEND BUT THEN I DONT IM CONFUSED STILL even THO WE HAD THIS TALK. HE WANTS ME IN HIS LIFE STILL... BUT IM LIKE.. I DONT KNOW. AHHH... CONFUSION.

JUST DON'T

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO... TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE... I DO AS I PLEASE... AND IF U DONT LIKE ME IN UR FACE, THEN SAY IT TO MY FACE SO THAT I KNOW. OTHER WISE I'LL JUST KEEP DOING WHAT I'M DOING.


if your so worried don't talk to other people talk to me because i'm the one with the problem. AND well YOU BEING A GIRL or a WOMAN... whatever... YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW IT FEELS!

im not angry or mad just wanted to say what was on my MIND...




_____
right... KEEP MY HEAD UP... I'm SO SURE OF THAT. PSHHH...

BLEH

I never held back...
.... the honest truth... its over.

clouser... wow what a B.I.
I miss you... we're friends.

sorry still dosent acount for you breaking my heart. but i'll accept it even tho it still hurts. I will always be in love with you because even till this day i'm still in love with you and no matter what You will always be my first love.

Every word... every thought... Everything... I ment it...

YOU were the best thing that ever happenend to me.

No one can replace you.
It won't be anyone untill you either come to your sences or someone better comes along. even with that I'm STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

soo... super rocking day?

that is a maybe. I donno I guess I had an alright day... well i got dissed like 2 times and well that pissed me off. THANKS RICHEL for dropping me off and for taking that time going to aling nodys even tho she wasnt there! I'm HELLA SORRY!!! umm... I had my fair share of laughs and it was hella awesome! yup. GOOD SHIT MANG. thats all i got to say about that... well thats not all i lied but i'll talk about it later. So i guess thats all for now peace then

LATER HATERS...

something new

So well as its been i've been trying to get myself into something new and endearing, something worth it all. Well the thing that i have decided to do is start finding myself with the lord. changing my habbits around.

The constant great talks with kat helps me. Its awesome. THANKS MANG!

Finally picking up that book and started to read it was great.

So it may seem as though I want everything for myself... Well ovbiously thats not true. Because i'm not self center nor am i stuck up. There are cirtain things i want in life but i know i can't have. Well theres slot of things that i want but can't have. there are things that I can get by working hard and doing what i have to do to get it.

with that said. I can do alot of things if i set my mind to it. If I want something I'll go for it. Peas and chicken with gravy is good too... thats all imma say for now...

i gotta think more and also because my moms NAGGING at Me.

_________________

don't you hate it when people say one thing and they tell you what is up but do the TOTAL OPPOSITE? YEAH I DO... I HELLLA HATE THAT...ITS A FUCKIN BITCH.....

kung kahit minsan ka humanga kung ka hipuin akin kaluluwa oo ka gumawa mula ako met ka I'm hindi ang pagkapareho ka magsama buhay sa lahat ng bagay ako gumawa makatarungan ang daan ka sabihin helo kumuha isa hipuin ako can't pahintulutan lumakad hindi kailan man diwa I'd bumagsak di ibigin kumuha ka.kung minsan ako kumuha kaisa-isa at lahat ako gotta gumawa ay isipin ng ka ka dakpin something loob ng ako ka gawin lahat ng akin managinip lumapit true It's hindi sapat atipan ng pawid ka ibigin ako dahil sa ako ka sumapit loob at hipuin ako walang hanggan ako ibigin ka talunin ipaliwanag paano ako makaramdam dahil sa ka.sapagka't ng ka , akin buhay may palitan , pasalamatan ka dahil sa ang ibigin at tuwa ka magsama sapagka't ng ka , ako makaramdam hindi hiyain I'll sabihin ang daigdig it's sapagka't ng ka

when i said

When I thought that I was over him...

I lied...

When I thought that I was done hurting

I lied...

When I thought that I was all set with my life

I lied...

When I thought that I couldn't Move on

I lied...

I was never over him... I'm still in love

I was Never Done Hurting, Because it still hurts to see him

I was never all set in life, My priorties can never be straight because day by day THINGS CHANGE

I DID MOVE ON...





Your in my heart and thats where you will stay. I just don't i can ever forgive the way that you did me. The way you left. the way you broke my heart. I do give it to you... because I learned from it and it gave me more strenght.

I gave my all to you i showed you everything there is.. and well your happy now. well i'm happy for you. Just remeber that i will always be here. i'm happy that you came into my life. and im happy that you were a big part of it.

I'm not sure but it still a hard feeling to over come.




its me... I'm all about fuckin up... but pulling through till the end.

so much to think about.
i'm feeling extreamly tired.... of what.?? well everything. nothing new nothing exciting. nothing to really look forward to. except sometimes the weekends. depending if u know whats going on. other then that.. i dont know.. I'm just tired. I want to do something exciting...i don't know.i really dont know.

SADNESS.... SETTLES IN.
I DON't FEEL HAPPY.........i'm just tired

...I MISS MY BUDDY!!!....
i miss the talks....
....i miss hanging out....
.... I miss your smile....
....your humor....
.... I miss how you would make me laugh....
....I JUST MISS YOU IN GENERAL....



I thought i could hang...
for the most part I did hang. I was all good in the hood for the most part. But when it came down to it all... in the end i did cry.

I still need to settle some difference with you...
I DIRE need of a talk session with you...


IT HURTS.

what is it?

Okay. So like i'm hella not feeling all that great. I'm hella cramping up... yes aunt flow came. but that is besides the point.

mentally I feel so confused... I feel rushed and all this other stuff.

so its says on jays away message it "JUST BECAUSE YOU FALL FOR THE RIGHT PERSON DOSENT MEAN THEY WILL ALWAYS PICK YOU UP"

thats true... I never counted on him to make things right just to be there... all i wanted was him to hear me out.

Moving on for the rest of the world

When I thought that I beat the toughest thing that I could think of.... LOVE takes over and makes me feel so vulnerable and susceptible to anything and everything. I have nothing better to do when I'm home. Its just that when I am home I sit down and think. I really doesn't help the fact that my room is full of pictures and memories of everything and every person that has made and impact on my life.
I contemplate about my life and if this guy that IM dreading over is really worth it. Right now I'm so confused. I can sit there dwell on everything or move on. I'm moving on... But the thing is... Well... I fell hard for this MOTHER FAWKER... I FELL IN LOVE. " HAVE YOU EVER FELT LOVE?" Actully yes... The feeling was something that I wasn't ready for something that was totally unexpected but it was there. I find if funny how he said he didn't want things to change that he didn't want to lose my friendship with him. But it seems as though... hes the one that is pushing me away. I'm just a thing. A shadow... a dark figure in the background. Like I don't mean a DAMN THING TO YOU. I really think that its sad, you could have at least gave me one more chance...
I have some questions for you...

- what would have happened if the accident that happened... really did happen? that special present really did happen and i was?

- would you give me a second chance?

- Do I still have that special place in your heart?

I donno It was just a thought. Being that well, sometimes you can be a bitch around me and give me attitude. I hate it because its like well the side of you i never got from you. since out "break up" ITS BEEN LIKE THAT. We said no awkward feelings... SOMETHING IN THE AIR IS MAKING IT AWKWARD. Maybe you do still care... maybecause your pushin me away... maybe because i;m pushing you away... maybe because; there can be alot of reasons to it.

praying for the day that you coem back into my life....

I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE. I LOVE YOU. =(

i want so much

so the hecktic week...or wait no i take that back there is hella stuff going on... SNAPS... everything is ending and the beginning of a new start.I'm feeling kind of scared. But i guess i must over come my fears. For it is too much pressure to take in all at once...

almost hit

So i got to thinking today.
We almost got into a bad accident it would have sucked to because it would have been the same side that i was sitting on. Mother Sucker... it was really a hard concept to grasp, because at this point in my life i have things finally going for me. Things have been setteled, and other things well i'm still trying my best to let go. I believe im doign a great job too...

It just the fact that things are getting better and well getting in to an accident would have been the worst if it was bad.

so after i got home from taking my cousin and christy to get fitted...
i stayed home.
noone was home. i took a nap... while i was napping.. I had the worst dream. in refference to the 2 almost accidents of the day.

dream: I was coming home from church... and some lady pulled out with the quickness and my brother didnt pull away in time to not hit her (we had the right of way going down berressa). and right as she pulled out not seeing us.. BAM!!!Right in to the door spinnin out of controll... our car hits a parked car. I like there unable to move dazed... last thing I hear is my brother asking me if i was okay... calling my name. I'm pretty much knocked out watching everything from another point of view. I see the fire dep. come with the quickness.... calling for me to.. answer... figuring out how they were going to get me out because the door was...pushed in really bad. scence change: In the hospital. VALLEY MEDICAL, it so happens that my mom was working the double shif.. so she was alredy woking and her second shif was about to start, she get a call telling her to go to the ER, Emergency room... they do what they can... to fix me up... good enough take me to ICU. my brother was okay. broken arm.. scraps, sore, thats pretty much it. I see him standing there, crying... My mom was hystarical, major break down... and my aunts that work with here were trying to help her out. My brother was calling all of my ohan to tell them what happened. No one answered their phone. my dad was at the casino because his friend envited him and tryed his best to get to me asap... no where to be found. back to the brother calling people Karen and Jennelle, left messages... no answer back. One last try before his battery ran out he called jeff and he answered, told him what happened. found they were still in diego, told him to call everyone... for him...
scene in the ICU... on carefull watch... mom still there waiting prayin for me to wake up... on reperator... lungs full of blood... Just when it seems as tho i was about to wake up... BIG GASP OF AIR... I FLATLINED..

thats when I WOKE UP... cold sweat and crying... BLEH =(


fuckin scary...

I stayed home this whole day and well thought about everything...

I DONT LIKE MY DREAM... im hella tired but im scared of what im going to dream of... SCURRY ISH MAN!! =(