umm

so like I don'tk now what there is to say any more...
BUT WE DONT TALK...

the only thing that happens between us is my practice...

here i am trying to make the effort to talk to you and be a good hommie... but your still doing the same... pushing urself away from me. Well Just to let you know hommie... If this goes on. even after everything... I guess imma have to agree with well, the ovbious... " I still wanting you im my life, The friendship"... Well I'm guessins thats going to be NOMORE. so well.. thats it.

only stating the ovbious...

Looking BACK

So... i basically stayed home the whole day... didnt really do much but dom some laundry and well like the thing is... the only thing that I could do was basically go on the internet and well... check out the sites and see wahts was going on... and well I was totally remanicing about things in the past because I go through reading everyones xanga... leaving my daily comments and what not. I decided to take it back. So well thats what I did. I sat down look at my old xanga entrys and well... there were things that i found OH SO FREAKIN TENDER... and i was just thinking about how much i missed those moments, How fun they were... and where were at right now is totally different. I'm not just speaking of just JEFF... but all of my friends. My how the tides have turned and things are very very different. Thinking about all those good Times and how things were. I admit that there were times that I was being hella selfish and wanted everything to be around me and about me. I admit to being stubborn and all this other junk. Hey at least I admited to it. I sure went through alot... and look where it got me. Going back.. well brought some emotions, feelings, and what not back.... I guess this is just somemore stuff that i needed to say because I call it a quits.... before Its over... over officially. Well for me... here are some things that brought it back....


I found it soo ironic how you took this quote from a book and posted it...
"HESITATION ONLY MAGNIFIES FEAR AND MAKES IT WORSE!!"
Knowing you... well towards me... You were always hesitant.... and well... the quote only speaks for its self.... it magnifies your fears and It only made the situation between us... WORSE!

JackHoLe 1580: BE DECISIVE & TAKE ACTION PROMPTLY. ACTION CURES FEAR! HESITATION ONLY ENLARGES FEAR!


its really funny how things work out... Pretty much thinking about it all.. and HOW YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME. and how you cared for me... how we would talk about the weirdest things online.

eyeDENTITyabba: so i gues good morningJackHoLe 1580: okay then.eyeDENTITyabba: sleep sweeteyeDENTITyabba: good dreams JackHoLe 1580:you too ;-)
Auto response from JackHoLe 1580: SLEEPING....Zzzz..ZZzz...zZZz..zz
dreaming about my bebs.hey JEFF, guess what this means--I.C.F.Y.A.L. <-- there is an actual meaning to it. HAHAHA:-D
I want you so much,right now.:-*
JackHoLe 1580: I want you so much,right now.:-*<--- ??eyeDENTITyabba: hahahahaeyeDENTITyabba: .......:-XJackHoLe 1580: I.C.F.Y.A.L so what's this mean?eyeDENTITyabba: u have to guessJackHoLe 1580: awwwwwJackHoLe 1580: thats too many letterseyeDENTITyabba: IeyeDENTITyabba: careeyeDENTITyabba: now finish iteyeDENTITyabba: thats the first two.eyeDENTITyabba: F . Y. A . LJackHoLe 1580: For You A Lot ???eyeDENTITyabba: hahaeyeDENTITyabba: there u goJackHoLe 1580: YESS!!! right onJackHoLe 1580: :-DeyeDENTITyabba: hahahahaeyeDENTITyabba: seeeeyeDENTITyabba: now that wasnt so hard was iteyeDENTITyabba: hahahaJackHoLe 1580: okay...now i can sleep peacefullyJackHoLe 1580: hahaeyeDENTITyabba: EASY 4 u to sayeyeDENTITyabba: hahahaeyeDENTITyabba: well goodmorningeyeDENTITyabba: GO NOWJackHoLe 1580: okay
Auto response from JackHoLe 1580: SLEEPING....Zzzz..ZZzz...zZZz..zz
dreaming about my bebs.hey JEFF, guess what this means--I.C.F.Y.A.L. <-- there is an actual meaning to it. HAHAHA:-D
I want you so much,right now.:-*
JackHoLe 1580: byeJackHoLe 1580: take careJackHoLe 1580: get some sleep!

humm.... there was a point when i felt love from you.... then again there was apoint when you crushed my hopes... and brought me down... pissed me off because you never said anything... It always brought me to the point where you would make me cry... in the end you would make me laugh.... and i wouldnt be mad at you anymore...

Well yeah whatever... that was all in the past... I will never forget all ths goodtimes that we had together... the laughs that we had... the tears that were falling... the moments when it was THE BEST MOMENT!

From that first moment that you had walked into my life...
"YOU MADE AN EVERLASTING IMPRESSION ON MY MIND,BODY,SOULD AND HEART"...
from the first kiss, the first time we got caught going out, the first hater mark, TO BEING MY FIRST LOVE... JEFFREY SAM ORDILLIO. I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU... and You didn't love me back. BUT I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU! YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE ME MENTALLY... you will ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART... I THANK YOU FOR ALL THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD... AND EVEN THE BAD. They were all learning experiences. Still learning... and trying to get over it all. I just wanted to say.. that I love you. Hope that all is well...

I wonder what you did with that picture... Reflection of some of those happy moments.... yet again.. faded memories to you.


PEACE EASY...

supposibly your still there...

good days

So... like the days have been short... and the weeks has been long. But over all... it has been a great week. School Is awesome. I get to see all my CLOSE FRIENDS... and you know hang out talk all this junk... I remeber sitting outside and instead of studying.... that was our main idea... we ended up Just talking. I found that hella funny... right jello...


GOT SCARED STRAIGHT!!! MOTHER SUCKER!!! I'm so GLAD THAT IM NOT! =)... pleased!!! MOTHER SUCKER... NEVER AGAIN! SERIOUSLY!

anyways... i'm sleepy... FOOD COMA.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RANDY!!!

mmmmm.... hungry!!!! hahaha



FOOOD.... canabalisim... isn't the greatest! HAHAHA KARE... MMMM....


so anyways that was awhile back when i hung out wiht karen.
________________


So I'm chillin like a villan right now. Hungry... kinda... Sleepy YES. HEAD HURTING!!! BLEH. So anyways... school is a drag... in a sense I mean because my sechedual is basically 2 class each day with a BIG ASS GAP IN BETWEEN.

Yet again another day that i was late.. TRAFFIC BEING A BITCH! So anyways... I had a bad migrain attack... it was all bad. I finally had a class with someone i know. Ha! my last class is with people that i know. and well... all my other classes i met new people that all seem to be pretty cool. As far as meeting new people and adding a class I dont think that will be happening this quarter. I mean... not that i dont want to but i figured that... the classes that im taking now is pretty KICK BACK.. it seems easy but then again. yeah its only the beginning! SO any ways my last class... jay was in it and like HAHAHA.. its like going through FYC AGAIN.. FUNNY! any ways imma go now

peace then!

its early but im tired and i feel sick. so BLEH!

SCHOOL

So... i missed a day of blogging... Well right now i guess the day didn't really matter to me I mean because i cant remeber what happened. I know i had practice and then from the rest of the other day i dont know what happened.

SCHOOL IS COOL!!!

Most of the day was spent chillin...

OH yeah DID I MENTION... I WAS SUPER LATE FOR MY CLASS!!! G DANG!!!!! 30 mins... MOTHER SUCKER... THERE WAS MAD TRAFFIC!!! LIKE SERIOUSLY.. and it was 750 in the morning....
the traffic i believe died down like around 9 or something... ALL BAD! SUPER LATE.. but I mad a good impression on my teacher for talking... hahah. SCORE! anyways... HUMM...

like i said most of the day it was chill i mean 2 classes.... 2 hr break inbetween.... ESP for today.. i got out 30 mean early soo it was like... i had 3 hrs... met up with justine and karen, jd came along. L quad... saw a couple of hommies from my summer school class. and some people from middle school. got lost with a friend... helped him look for his class.. hahaha... OH SO LOST.. hahah SALL G it was great talking to you. met up with more people talked to them... WEIRD... SO MANY PEOPLE THAT I KNOW... funny seeing some people i mean the fact that we didnt go to school together... and well Now we ARE!!!!
some of my friends asked me if I missed Indy... I said no... not really... I miss the friends... but hey we all moved on from the drama stuff. YEAH... HURRAY... COLLEGE!

I MISS MY FRIENDS... I miss the summer.. and I miss jennelle bj kat and jacklyn.... SO THIS IS COLLEGE LIFE... I'm BROKE LIKE A JOKE... ALREDY! MOTHER BI!...

she can stare all she wants but "WERE GOING TO THE BOOK STORE!"hahahaha

PARKING WHAT A BITCH!

currently waiting for my laundry to finish.... OH SO SLEEPY and i FEEL GROSE.. you know like THROWING Up!!! I think its something I ate!

what to say?

so like it was and interusting day, My cousin May came to my house chilled for a bit and we waited for christy and other hommies. because they said they were going to be late. Any whooz... practice was pretty good. We pretty much finished up the first part. there is like 4 people that still need to catch up....

Jessen buddy... i just worrie about you.

on the other hand... It was chill.. and richel may and I were trying to do coreo for the tahitian... couldnt decided on the song. We liked this one song but... we cant use it because richel and her aunt did coreo to it and shes in the halao. soo its not possible. ITs like stealing you can say.

So yeah... Humm...I'm excited and scared all at the same time. Excited because I have a whole bunch of things going for me. scared because its coming for me. There is a whole bunch of stuff that I to do, my whole perspective on life, time for reevaluating. I want to change how i am around a certain someone. Fix my bad habbits, not be stubborn, Then again everyone has their flaws... and well those are a couple. I just want to do alot fix alot espically my room... thats the first place i want to start. I still have to talk to my parents about it. Tare down a wall... paint it. and put up take down throw away things. So many EFFIN MEMORIES In my room and I want to start OVER.

THE END OF what was SOOO GREAT TO ME... meaningful, special, Filled with mistakes, confusion, stress, LOVE, HONESTY, LOYALTY, which was all ENDED IN HEART ACH!

THIS IS the begginning of it all A NEW START kind of... A NEW SOMETHING.... I DONT KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT. I'm Just waiting because well... i'm tired of hurting, tired of crying, just tired and wanting to start something new. Naw mean.

WELL YEAH... THERE IS STUFF TO SAY... BUT I CANT SAY IT...
whatelse is there to say...

I.... NM I'm not going to say anything becuase well ITs how i feel and you either know or dont know...

i saw this on something.
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) - of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

HONESTY IS MY MAIN FRAME... I LIE BUT I TELL THE TURTH If you ASK ME.. OR IF I WANT TO TELL YOU... IF NOT THAT I JUST WONT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.

the things that are in italics are the things that I think speak true for me. YEAH... TELL ME WHAT CHU THINK?

jovver-Peace easy

jeff- Peace difficult

abegail- Peace then.

pretty stuffed.

Today was a pretty exciting day.. I guess I can say so, i mean school stuff... needed to get done. Karen came to pick me up we went over to justines. Met up with her and jay. Saw GRANT after the longest time... like seriously... I havent seen him in hella days! headed out to de anza. it was quite hot. walked to get jay parking permit at the main building place... saw my "cousin" mark esguerra and his girlfriend... talked to her about her brother.. thats pretty much it. Jay and i went to get our id card pictures taken. jay was trying to make me laugh... it didnt work.. well it did but i held it in.

your super funny. and your picture is AWESOME!!!! good laughs.

went back to sj and met up with dio right quick ... they needed to figure out the plan for driving.. and then we headed to jds house. well jd karen and i. Met u up with william and chato. watched william play video games and then headed off to Gmall. good ish mang...

food.. oh so FULL.... $5.00 well spent!!! yep yep yep! hahaha well satisfied. and good laughs.
YUMM...

- current mood: crushed, scared,excited, in pain (head hurts), a tad frustrated.


YOUR A HOPE CRUSHER.... we'll SEE...

PEACE EASY... PEACE THEN.

practice is tomorrow at 6 and humm... jessen no be there.. YOU SUCK. I think tomorrow is the day that everyone is going to be there.. hehe i'll lay down the guilt trip. HAHA...


JEFF HOPE CRUSHER!!! KILLED IT YOU MOTHER SUCER.


3days

blogging... because theres something else important

yeah so like talk about blogging about jeff. I need to cut that doen to a minimuuummm... yeah... so i've decided... so yeah i miss jeff but theres nothing now that i can do to help our relationship. Its down in the drain if i do say so myself. Time for me to move on into something else.. something that is new.

whats going on in my life? well hummm theres not really anything to say. Nothing has really go on. I spent the day chillin at home, maranating in the heat. It wasn't as bad as it was last week... but it was still hot.

So yesterday was fun filled... a little frustration but then not so much. I basically stayd home finally left the house was suppose to go and watch movies with hommies. But ended up coming hella late and ish. so i went to mervens... saw some really nice cloths. No tengo dinero... but still nice. I was pretty happy.. i mean being by myself. I finally met up with everyone... i have reallygood timing if i do say so my self... 5 mins after i sat down karen called me and i asked her if she was out of the movie she said yes. And well we basically chilled i said my hellos... people were hungry... no fast food plans on going to red robin... saw marco. Yep that was good fun.. lots of laughs. watched the guys play the 2 video games that they had. stood in the parking lot for the longest time. said goodbye headed over to justine and rachels place where we played poker... GOOD ISH!!! i had fun... handled my issue... with a tissue.

i hate you jovver... i really hate you because i mean it... mean it. HAHAHA

Mother sucker... JEFF YOU SUCKER... YOU BROKE MY BRACELET. THANKS... GOES TO SHOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE, Didnt even bother to tell me that you broke it!! the heck!?!?

so i was asked the question by someone whom shall remain nameless.. and well being the way that it was asked i didnt like it... the fact that it was in this amount of time, that we spent together. I was unsure. VERY UNSURE... yeah... my answer to you was a NO... sorry there are things that need to be said but i dont know if i can say it now... maybe later.. I dont know. sometime... i'm sorry... for right now thats what i have to say.

GAHHH... I SERIOUSLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS DAMN STAGE...


THIS SUCKS ASS!!!!


counting down untill something new

COLLEGE finally....4 days

yep...

so its finally came down to this... the guy that i love... has feelings but is gone with someone new. SNIFFEL...

things been said, whats done is done

KAHIT HINDI IKAW.... it won't anyone untill you either come to your sences or untill someone better comes along.

untill then... it still you because i haven't found that someone.

so like yesterday was teh second day of cotillion practice and well. Not everyone showed up. I was kind of sad about that. BLEH. so anyways I was basically taching the cousins the basics for chacha. Yeah they pretty much got it. So anyways...

the morning time of the day was pretty much all drama... the rents were pretty much mad at each other because of what my brother did and well they didn't talk. I said just "F it" i didn't do ish, so I put on some head phones and did my own thang.

GAH. back to practice. It was pretty productive the people who i was worried about pretty much got it down. I'm hoping that the other 2 that i'm worried about get it. ITs gonna be GOOD..

SCUBS I LIKE WHAT WERE DOING. BUT DANG HUNNY thats a whole lot of TURNING. SO anyways... I donno i was pretty heated yesterday and I took it out on my partner. I'm sorry... sorry for all the hitting and what not. BUt yeah KAK... HAHAHA YOUR A MOTHER Fn' DORK. GAH... I HATE YOU BUT I DON'T.. OR DO I!

WHY DO U HAVE TO BE A JERK... GOSH.. I HATE IT WHEN YOUR LIKE THAT. It so dosen't help when your like that. The hits are of love. and of stress and frustration! OMG! Its CUZ I STILL HAVE MAJOR FEELINGS FOR YOU.. FAWK MANN!!! WHY DOSE IT HAVE TO BE YOU! WHY ME... GRRR.....

So... like today was the second day of cotillion practice. Still not everyone there. Then again it was a very very productive day. well it was better then i thought it would be. YUP. I was kind of scared. BUT IT WORKED OUT.I got a little irratated by the smallest thing... and i took it out on my partner. I donno
The day was full of BLEH... in the morning time there was DRAMA with the family my parents got mad at each other because of my brother and GAHH.. HELLA PISSED ME OFF but i didnt show it. I just ignored it. It was all his fault that they weren't talking. MOTHER SUCKER. anyways...
I got mad at one point at my partner because i wanted to practice but it seemed like he didnt want to be there at all.

FUCK I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IM SO FRUSTRATED... I WANT TO BE HIS FRIEND BUT THEN I DONT IM CONFUSED STILL even THO WE HAD THIS TALK. HE WANTS ME IN HIS LIFE STILL... BUT IM LIKE.. I DONT KNOW. AHHH... CONFUSION.

JUST DON'T

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO... TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE... I DO AS I PLEASE... AND IF U DONT LIKE ME IN UR FACE, THEN SAY IT TO MY FACE SO THAT I KNOW. OTHER WISE I'LL JUST KEEP DOING WHAT I'M DOING.


if your so worried don't talk to other people talk to me because i'm the one with the problem. AND well YOU BEING A GIRL or a WOMAN... whatever... YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW IT FEELS!

im not angry or mad just wanted to say what was on my MIND...




_____
right... KEEP MY HEAD UP... I'm SO SURE OF THAT. PSHHH...

BLEH

I never held back...
.... the honest truth... its over.

clouser... wow what a B.I.
I miss you... we're friends.

sorry still dosent acount for you breaking my heart. but i'll accept it even tho it still hurts. I will always be in love with you because even till this day i'm still in love with you and no matter what You will always be my first love.

Every word... every thought... Everything... I ment it...

YOU were the best thing that ever happenend to me.

No one can replace you.
It won't be anyone untill you either come to your sences or someone better comes along. even with that I'm STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

soo... super rocking day?

that is a maybe. I donno I guess I had an alright day... well i got dissed like 2 times and well that pissed me off. THANKS RICHEL for dropping me off and for taking that time going to aling nodys even tho she wasnt there! I'm HELLA SORRY!!! umm... I had my fair share of laughs and it was hella awesome! yup. GOOD SHIT MANG. thats all i got to say about that... well thats not all i lied but i'll talk about it later. So i guess thats all for now peace then

LATER HATERS...

something new

So well as its been i've been trying to get myself into something new and endearing, something worth it all. Well the thing that i have decided to do is start finding myself with the lord. changing my habbits around.

The constant great talks with kat helps me. Its awesome. THANKS MANG!

Finally picking up that book and started to read it was great.

So it may seem as though I want everything for myself... Well ovbiously thats not true. Because i'm not self center nor am i stuck up. There are cirtain things i want in life but i know i can't have. Well theres slot of things that i want but can't have. there are things that I can get by working hard and doing what i have to do to get it.

with that said. I can do alot of things if i set my mind to it. If I want something I'll go for it. Peas and chicken with gravy is good too... thats all imma say for now...

i gotta think more and also because my moms NAGGING at Me.

_________________

don't you hate it when people say one thing and they tell you what is up but do the TOTAL OPPOSITE? YEAH I DO... I HELLLA HATE THAT...ITS A FUCKIN BITCH.....

kung kahit minsan ka humanga kung ka hipuin akin kaluluwa oo ka gumawa mula ako met ka I'm hindi ang pagkapareho ka magsama buhay sa lahat ng bagay ako gumawa makatarungan ang daan ka sabihin helo kumuha isa hipuin ako can't pahintulutan lumakad hindi kailan man diwa I'd bumagsak di ibigin kumuha ka.kung minsan ako kumuha kaisa-isa at lahat ako gotta gumawa ay isipin ng ka ka dakpin something loob ng ako ka gawin lahat ng akin managinip lumapit true It's hindi sapat atipan ng pawid ka ibigin ako dahil sa ako ka sumapit loob at hipuin ako walang hanggan ako ibigin ka talunin ipaliwanag paano ako makaramdam dahil sa ka.sapagka't ng ka , akin buhay may palitan , pasalamatan ka dahil sa ang ibigin at tuwa ka magsama sapagka't ng ka , ako makaramdam hindi hiyain I'll sabihin ang daigdig it's sapagka't ng ka