when i said

When I thought that I was over him...

I lied...

When I thought that I was done hurting

I lied...

When I thought that I was all set with my life

I lied...

When I thought that I couldn't Move on

I lied...

I was never over him... I'm still in love

I was Never Done Hurting, Because it still hurts to see him

I was never all set in life, My priorties can never be straight because day by day THINGS CHANGE

I DID MOVE ON...





Your in my heart and thats where you will stay. I just don't i can ever forgive the way that you did me. The way you left. the way you broke my heart. I do give it to you... because I learned from it and it gave me more strenght.

I gave my all to you i showed you everything there is.. and well your happy now. well i'm happy for you. Just remeber that i will always be here. i'm happy that you came into my life. and im happy that you were a big part of it.

I'm not sure but it still a hard feeling to over come.




its me... I'm all about fuckin up... but pulling through till the end.

so much to think about.
i'm feeling extreamly tired.... of what.?? well everything. nothing new nothing exciting. nothing to really look forward to. except sometimes the weekends. depending if u know whats going on. other then that.. i dont know.. I'm just tired. I want to do something exciting...i don't know.i really dont know.

SADNESS.... SETTLES IN.
I DON't FEEL HAPPY.........i'm just tired

...I MISS MY BUDDY!!!....
i miss the talks....
....i miss hanging out....
.... I miss your smile....
....your humor....
.... I miss how you would make me laugh....
....I JUST MISS YOU IN GENERAL....



I thought i could hang...
for the most part I did hang. I was all good in the hood for the most part. But when it came down to it all... in the end i did cry.

I still need to settle some difference with you...
I DIRE need of a talk session with you...


IT HURTS.

what is it?

Okay. So like i'm hella not feeling all that great. I'm hella cramping up... yes aunt flow came. but that is besides the point.

mentally I feel so confused... I feel rushed and all this other stuff.

so its says on jays away message it "JUST BECAUSE YOU FALL FOR THE RIGHT PERSON DOSENT MEAN THEY WILL ALWAYS PICK YOU UP"

thats true... I never counted on him to make things right just to be there... all i wanted was him to hear me out.

Moving on for the rest of the world

When I thought that I beat the toughest thing that I could think of.... LOVE takes over and makes me feel so vulnerable and susceptible to anything and everything. I have nothing better to do when I'm home. Its just that when I am home I sit down and think. I really doesn't help the fact that my room is full of pictures and memories of everything and every person that has made and impact on my life.
I contemplate about my life and if this guy that IM dreading over is really worth it. Right now I'm so confused. I can sit there dwell on everything or move on. I'm moving on... But the thing is... Well... I fell hard for this MOTHER FAWKER... I FELL IN LOVE. " HAVE YOU EVER FELT LOVE?" Actully yes... The feeling was something that I wasn't ready for something that was totally unexpected but it was there. I find if funny how he said he didn't want things to change that he didn't want to lose my friendship with him. But it seems as though... hes the one that is pushing me away. I'm just a thing. A shadow... a dark figure in the background. Like I don't mean a DAMN THING TO YOU. I really think that its sad, you could have at least gave me one more chance...
I have some questions for you...

- what would have happened if the accident that happened... really did happen? that special present really did happen and i was?

- would you give me a second chance?

- Do I still have that special place in your heart?

I donno It was just a thought. Being that well, sometimes you can be a bitch around me and give me attitude. I hate it because its like well the side of you i never got from you. since out "break up" ITS BEEN LIKE THAT. We said no awkward feelings... SOMETHING IN THE AIR IS MAKING IT AWKWARD. Maybe you do still care... maybecause your pushin me away... maybe because i;m pushing you away... maybe because; there can be alot of reasons to it.

praying for the day that you coem back into my life....

I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE. I LOVE YOU. =(

i want so much

so the hecktic week...or wait no i take that back there is hella stuff going on... SNAPS... everything is ending and the beginning of a new start.I'm feeling kind of scared. But i guess i must over come my fears. For it is too much pressure to take in all at once...

almost hit

So i got to thinking today.
We almost got into a bad accident it would have sucked to because it would have been the same side that i was sitting on. Mother Sucker... it was really a hard concept to grasp, because at this point in my life i have things finally going for me. Things have been setteled, and other things well i'm still trying my best to let go. I believe im doign a great job too...

It just the fact that things are getting better and well getting in to an accident would have been the worst if it was bad.

so after i got home from taking my cousin and christy to get fitted...
i stayed home.
noone was home. i took a nap... while i was napping.. I had the worst dream. in refference to the 2 almost accidents of the day.

dream: I was coming home from church... and some lady pulled out with the quickness and my brother didnt pull away in time to not hit her (we had the right of way going down berressa). and right as she pulled out not seeing us.. BAM!!!Right in to the door spinnin out of controll... our car hits a parked car. I like there unable to move dazed... last thing I hear is my brother asking me if i was okay... calling my name. I'm pretty much knocked out watching everything from another point of view. I see the fire dep. come with the quickness.... calling for me to.. answer... figuring out how they were going to get me out because the door was...pushed in really bad. scence change: In the hospital. VALLEY MEDICAL, it so happens that my mom was working the double shif.. so she was alredy woking and her second shif was about to start, she get a call telling her to go to the ER, Emergency room... they do what they can... to fix me up... good enough take me to ICU. my brother was okay. broken arm.. scraps, sore, thats pretty much it. I see him standing there, crying... My mom was hystarical, major break down... and my aunts that work with here were trying to help her out. My brother was calling all of my ohan to tell them what happened. No one answered their phone. my dad was at the casino because his friend envited him and tryed his best to get to me asap... no where to be found. back to the brother calling people Karen and Jennelle, left messages... no answer back. One last try before his battery ran out he called jeff and he answered, told him what happened. found they were still in diego, told him to call everyone... for him...
scene in the ICU... on carefull watch... mom still there waiting prayin for me to wake up... on reperator... lungs full of blood... Just when it seems as tho i was about to wake up... BIG GASP OF AIR... I FLATLINED..

thats when I WOKE UP... cold sweat and crying... BLEH =(


fuckin scary...

I stayed home this whole day and well thought about everything...

I DONT LIKE MY DREAM... im hella tired but im scared of what im going to dream of... SCURRY ISH MAN!! =(